Joanne the Coach

Goth Nazi hunters a gogo

Well that was a right old stinker of an Easter Bank Holiday, wasn't it? With my family still drunk on chocolate and whipped into a frenzy by a new series of Horrible Histories, I slunk off to the cinema to see This Must Be The Place.

Whilst I enjoyed it very much, this film does come Marmite flavoured and won't be to everyone's taste. Sean Penn plays Cheyenne, retired goth rock star of Cheyenne and the Fellows (like Siouxsie and the Banshees, geddit?). He's living in Dublin but bored, punctuating his days with handball and trips to the supermarket.

Then Cheyenne's estranged dad dies. This leads to revelations about his dad's lifelong quest to find his Nazi persecutor. The film then turns into a road movie as Penn's character goes on his own Nazi-hunting trip across the USA.

And like any good road movie, he meets a selection of oddballs and has a succession of redemptive experiences. Plus he stops for a little ping pong along the way.

Sean Penn plays the lead role in a seriously weird, whispery babylady voice, now and again breaking out into a tinkly giggle. I don't think I've ever seen Penn play funny before, but there's a comic edge to this performance that he just about gets away with, silly voice and all.

So on paper it all sounds terrible, or amazing depending on your perspective - if you find the idea of Sean Penn dressed as Robert Smith going Nazi hunting across America inherently entertaining, then I think you will like this film. I thought it was great. The only let down is the ending, which I found to be a bit weak - it sort of petered out rather than came to a definite conclusion.

 

And no, the film wasn't named after the Pet Shop Boys' This Must Be The Place I Waited Years To Leave (what idiot named Joanne would think THAT?), but in fact after the superior This Must be The Place by Talking Heads.

 

Free activities for kids: grafitti The Guardian

Previously we looked at free activities to fob the kids off with, but it's hard to play Hunt the Pixie in winter, so here's an indoor activity to try with your children - it's called grafitti The Guardian.

We did this yesterday and the sports section turned out particularly well:

Admittedly I did pay £2.10 for the paper, so it's not a total freebie but I read it as well, and it kept the juniors quiet for ages. So as budget activities go it's a winner. 

Other newspapers may also be used for this activity. Magazines can work well too:

 

My 2011 vital statistics

• 57 - Number of films I watched in 2011. Looking back on the list, a lot of them were quite duff. The Smurf Movie I can chalk up to the kids, but I only have myself to blame for Sex and the City 2.
• 21 - Number of books I read. Some of these were quite long, so if you count those ones twice then it bumps up the total to at least 30. This is how statistics work.
• 2 - Number of Jedwards I met. I mean, there were two of them, but perhaps this only counts as one. I'm confused. I'm too old for Jedwards.
• 150 - Number of times I went to the gym. Yet still I have a blogger's paunch. One of life's great mysteries.
• 1 2/3 - Number of books I wrote. Tried to write two and it didn't quite happen. But at least I have a project to take into 2012
• 4 - Number of hours I spent on the Doctor Who location walking tour. And still it went by in a flash.
• 1 - Number of babies I saw being born. That's plenty, really.

I think, as the numbers stack up, it's been a good year.

So, 2011, how was it for you?

 

How to be a birth partner part 2

I mentioned recently that I was going to be a birth partner for my friend, and this week delivery day finally rolled around.

So, with hindsight rather than speculation, this is what I have learned about being a birth partner:

Turns out, hospitals do have wifi nowadays. You can even get the internet by the side of the bed, though not in the delivery suite so that's where the Facebook updates have to stop. If you are an online kind of person, it's nice to feel there are good vibes coming from people all over the world, most of whom you haven't met.

Things I packed in my hospital bag but did not need included: a Kindle loaded with extra books, plus a novel I need to get through for book group. I mean really, WTF was I thinking?

Didn't have use for my make up bag either. Again, WTF? I think I got a bit confused between going to the hospital and going to the pub.

Nor did the notebook I packed get opened. Triple WTF? So I was going to write a novel, was I, after I'd read a bunch? What a tool.

However, I was glad to have packed a can of pina colada. I left it with my friend so she can treat baby with the world's best flavoured milk.

After the birth I drove back home, miles and miles through the dark night, which was far more stressful for me than the birth. I haven't done a drive like that in over 10 years, but I will notch it up as another victory over driving phobia.

When I got home I burst into tears, not sad tears but just an explosion of emotion that had been building up all day.

All in all, it was a thoroughly amazing experience. I have a new respect for anyone who's ever had a baby (including myself). And also a new respect for birth partners, especially men who may find it all a bit of a mindfuck. In a lot of ways it was easier for me, having had two children, to be a birth partner because I had been there, done that and knew a fair amount about what was happening. I never felt afraid or found it stressful. I felt happy that I could use my experience to help my friend. I feel like it's the best day's work I've ever done.

So after two days of labour, welcome little baby girl, 7lb 11oz of perfection. How wonderful life is, now you're in the world.

That speedboat/Mumsnet mashup in full

As it turned out, my fashion fretting was unfounded, as I was given a delightful jacket to wear on the speedboat, which had the added bonus of making me look the size of a small house.

And I wore my lucky clogs, which I was also wearing when I met Take That, so they are the very epitome of good fortune. I wasn't taking any chances.

 

This gives you a phone's eye flavour of the trip:

 

Just after this was filmed, the speedboat revved up considerably and lurched about in the water in that Am I going to tip you out?...Maybe...Maybe not kind of way that rollercoasters do. Couldn't film that as I was too busy squealing like a piglet on piglet's pay day.

After that we retired to a posh hotel for lunch, during which TV sports and travel presenter Craig Doyle popped in to say hello. Nice bloke, doesn't mind posing for app-pics (as you can see here) and I was very taken by his justification for having 4 kids under 8: "Ach, sure, what else is there to do in life?". Quite.

Now although a bunch of bloggers had been invited on this outing, none of us really knew exactly why we were there. Turned out it was all about the launch of a cool-sounding new activity holiday website called iExplore. It's for people who like to have exciting new experiences on holiday. Like speedboating, for example. Ah, I see. It all makes sense now.

And continuing in the theme of I'm Not Sure Why I'm Here But I'll Give it a Go, later that night I tootled along to the Mumsnet Family Friendly Awards.

I briefly considered making a badge that said I look shit because I've been on a speedboat, what's your excuse? but decided against that on the grounds that it was incredibly aggressive and insulting. See, I do have a few social skills. Not many, but one or two.

However, I must admit that I was feeling rather deranged at this point in the day.

So when I arrived at the Mumsnet Awards and was greeted by a receiving line of Boden-clad Mumsnet ladies, I instantly hollered:

I'VE BEEN ON A SPEEDBOAT TODAY!

To which they graciously replied

You're joking

And I hollered back

I WISH I WAS!

Which was not true at all, I was very happy about having been on a speedboat. I don't know why I said that. Put it down to the derangement.

It gets worse.

My Twitter buddy @MmeLindor demanded news of the event, so I twitpic-ed her the important bits - the bar and the food.

Then it was in to the main hall for the awards ceremony and a very interesting discussion about family friendly working, led by Emily Maitlis from Newsnight.

This being a modern sort of event, tweets about it were also scrolling on a big screen. In general these tweets were rather bumlicky: @bigbrand Off to fab #Mumsnetawards, @megaPR So excited about amazing #Mumsnetawards sort of thing.

Until my tweets started popping up on screen

 

 

@joannemallon - The bar! #Mumsnetawards

 

@joannemallon  - The canapes! #Mumsnetawards

 

For shame! We were supposed to be bigging up the family friendly vibe, and all I was doing was bigging up the wine and crisps. And the tweetshow was on a loop, so I had the pleasure of  cringeing everytime they came round and got broadcast to 120 VIPs. Trust me to bring down the tone. I don't think I'll be invited back.

 Still, I survived the speedboat, that's the main thing.

The Power of Cute

One of the most awesome things about Son of Mine is his Power of Cute. I think this power will take him very far in life. He could out-cute a kitten, he's that good.

Take yesterday for example. We went to Legoland. There was an event happening for The Lego Club, a special Ninjago building event. Son of Mine loves Lego, and he especially loves Ninjago. Unfortunately, so did every other little boy in the vicinity, and there were no spaces at the table for him to play.

So we left it and came back towards the end of the day. This time there was plenty of space - because they were shutting up shop and the event was closed. As this dawned on SoM, his lip quivered and fat, hot tears splashed on to the ground. And once that tear hit the concrete, it unleashed The Power.

A Nice Man appeared. He asked what was wrong. I explained and tried to persuade him to let us into the event room. No dice, it really was all over for the day. Nice Man apologised and said hang on, he would get us something.

He came back with a Lego Club T-shirt, which he explained was very rare and very cool. He handed it over with great ceremony, thanking Son of Mine for being a member of The Lego Club. It was lovely. Why does a Nice Man never appear when I'm having a dose of the miseries? I guess I just don't have The Power.

 

Social media mythbusting

I had a spiffing time last night talking about social media for journalists with the Guild of Health Writers in the (frankly rather elegant) surroundings of The Medical Society of London.

The thing that struck me when talking to peole who don't use Twitter or other social media tools was that it's the myths that seem to put people off. Myths including:

• You have to be a tech-y gadget freak to make sense of it
• It uses up all your time
• Why would I be interested in what random strangers have for lunch?

One on, one in the wash

And here we are at the start of a new term of work. Book One has been written and sent off to the publisher's. That's not to say it won't come pinging back, scrawled all over with red writing saying Must Do Better. But for now at least it's done.

So how do you write a book in the school summer holidays?  Some writers I know stuck their kids in holiday camp, but I am much more hardcore than that. I simply let mine run feral for six weeks.

You know it's the end of the summer holidays when your TV is permanently stuck on CBBC and the dust bunnies have multiplied into a family of thousands. My children have entirely lost the ability to put on socks or go to bed before 9pm.

How to get through The Smurf Movie without wanting to kill yourself

Ever since we made our Build a Bear Smurfs, The Offspring have been slavering at the prospect of The Smurf Movie.

I have not. The smell of this one had started wafting our way, and it wasn't good. I tried to dump it on to JH, but he pointed that he had already visited his own seventh circle of cinema hell in the shape of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.

So yesterday we did the deed and went to see The Smurf Movie. And yes, the children did enjoy the film. Personally, I felt it was a horrible waste of everyone involved's time.

Parents, if like me you get sucked into the vortex of hype that is The Smurfs, here are a few tips to help you endure the experience:

Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing little blue men...

What's a Smurf? asked Son of Mine. Is is it an animal?

Son, much to learn you have.

Let me take you down to the Build a Bear Workshop and we'll find out for ourselves. Though this cuddly toy emporium is best known for its teddy bears, it's also home to dogs, owls, dinosaurs and for a limited time only - The Smurfs.

I used to work in The Disney Store when I was a student, and when the manager was feeling particularly vicious he would declare it an 'Ears Day' and we would all have to don the Mickey headgear. But that is small potatoes compared to what the staff at Build a Bear have to do: