Joanne the Coach

What Cybher taught me about blogging success

OK I know I promised you lots of hot blogging tips from Cybher, but as it turned out, it wasn't that sort of day for me.

Though  there were a few choice gems - turns out I have been getting it wrong in calling my competitions, er, competitions. Legally, a competition must include some degree of skill, and whilst it might be fun to see who's got the best reason for wanting a foot grater, you couldn't really call that a skill. So in the interests of keeping it legal, I'll be calling them giveaways from now on.

Rather than individual tips, I found myself thinking about the bigger picture, blog-wise.

Many sessions I attended talked of the importance of your blog having a clearly defined niche and a definite vision to pursue.

This is bad news for me, since I have no niche. My niche is me, and the things I am interested in. I'm a Muppet Me Party blogger in that respect, a focus group of one.

I was very struck this morning by a post from Mother's Always Right asking How do you define blogging success? because I realised that in 5 years of writing this blog I had never really stopped to think about that.

So I did, and this is what I came up with: For me, a successful blog is one that you want to keep on writing. And that's it.

All the other stuff is just sauce on the side.

Do you like your blog, this online space that grew out of your imagination? Are you proud of it and glad you took the time to make it? Does writing it make you smile, lift you up or help you feel satisfied that you've expressed your point of view? Does it make a positive difference to your world, and the world in general? Ultimately blogging success, unlike other flavours of success, is a journey rather than a destination. It doesn't matter if you're only making small ripples, because that's how big ripples start.

Obviously if you're blogging for business reasons or aiming to make blogging your full time job then your criteria for success will be very different, and much more clearly defined. But for the personal blogger who does it for a fun hobby, then this is what I think it boils down to. And I guess there is a business element to all of this because some people who read the blog go on to buy my book or become my coaching clients, and I would like that to go on happening. But it's not the driving force. If it didn't happen I would still write this blog.

I was with my daughter at Cybher, and you can see her take on the day in sketches over here. When we got home I said to her: It's not like I'm trying to push you into blogging as a thing to do. I'm trying to show you that people can create anything they want to if they pursue their ideas, and that the ideas that you have can become something amazing if you act on them.

I think she got it. That, to me is a successful day, and one worth blogging about.

What Roald Dahl taught us about writing

On Saturday we had a fizwhizzing trip to the Roald Dahl museum in Buckinghamshire. They're got a new exhibit which recreates his writing hut. And here it is:

 

This is where Roald Dahl worked every day for decades with almost ritualised repetition and precision. From 10 am every day, after the school run, he would settle into his chair, feet in a sleeping bag. The original hut was in the garden of his house, but he kept the curtains closed so the beautiful view didn't intrude.

After lunch Dahl had two Bloody Marys and a gambling break, then powered on for another afternoon's writing. He had a bar of Dairy Milk chocolate every day, and formed the silver paper wrappers into an impressive silver ball. You can see it in the picture above, near the top right hand side of the table. Every object on that table has meaning. Each is an essential ingredient. It looks like a random collection of stuff, but really it's anything but.

 If Roald Dahl was writing today, I wonder what would be different?  Would he still be writing in pencil on giant yellow legal pads, or would he have graduated to a keyboard? I don't think this hut would be the same with wifi. I can't see Dahl losing half the day arguing with that guy about that thing on Twitter.

I took away two lessons from Roald Dahl's writing hut - the first is to get to know your writing rhythm and work with it, not against it. For some people that will mean settling down in your favourite chair with a blanket round your legs. For others it might mean early mornings or late nights. There's no right or wrong way. There's just your way. The main thing is to write, and keep writing, for years and years. It's another kind of marathon.

The other lesson I picked up was a sense of a life lived - Dahl had the most amazing life, with all kinds of crazy dramatic shit happening throughout. Death, sweets and hanging out with Ernest Hemingway was just the start of it. I guess imagination doesn't prosper in a still pond.

So that's it then - live and write. And find a comfy chair to sit in. Also being awesome helps.

Mistakes I made when I started blogging

I have now been writing this blog for 5 years. The done thing at times like this seems to be to slap the ugly word 'blogaversary' on it and use it as an excuse to party on down.

Ever the belligerent fool, I'm using it as an excuse to look at where it all went wrong.

So these are the mistakes I made when I started blogging. I'm still making some of them. I hope this is useful to anyone who is also starting to blog and wants to know what not to do:

• Buggered up the site address
  I mean look at it:   http://joannemallon.typepad.com/joanne_the_coach/ it's an utter, unmemorable mess. Later on I bought JoannetheCoach.com so I have something a bit more elegant to put in my email signature, but it's all a bit half-assed and still makes for a crap hyperlink. When I started our new blog, I made sure to use the easy, simple address Eljae.com - it cost under £20 to do, and it's not even difficult to do the mapping across business that covers up the wordpress part of the address.
• Terrible name
  Joanne the Coach, WTF is that all about? Actually, there was a point to this way back when, in that I used to to write a lot more about my life coaching business. I'm still doing the coaching, it's just that I found out it was more fun to blog about movies and Doctor Who instead. So now I think it's better to have a flexible name that will grow with you. Bloggers who blog under Mummy2cutesypie.com say they also find this issue to be a problem, usually around the time Cutesypie starts shoplifting and growing a beard.
• Didn't reply to comments
  I never used to appreciate comments at all. I totally took them for granted. Now I feel very embarrassed about being so arrogant and am much more respectful of people who take the time to comment. I aim to reply to them all, even the spammers. Interestingly, some bloggers are now turning off their comment facility. Next thing you know they'll be turning off the blog altogether and going back to shouting in the corner of a field.
• No theme, niche or planning
  I still don't do any of that stuff. If there is a theme, it's "stuff I am interested in", and if I can shoehorn in a Doctor Who reference, all the better. I post when I have something to say, so that might mean nothing for a week, then four posts the next week. Apparently that stuff's important if you are serious about your blogging. Luckily I am just in it for shits and giggles, so that's OK then.
• Images? What are they?
  For about the first couple of years, none of the posts had images, mainly because I didn't know how to create, find or upload them. But the trouble with that is that big wodges of unillustrated text can be hard on the eye and lacking in personality. A big help for me has been using the Instagram app which makes it easy for anybody to create nice looking original images. So I didn't really raise my skill levels, it's just that the technology lowered itself to my level. Rejoice, technodunces, our time is now.
• No community involvement
  Whilst I am basically a  loner at heart, I like online communities and hanging around with people I've never met, so I can pretend to be more confident than I really am. I was flailing around by myself for the first few years until there seemed to be more blogging communities springing up and supporting each other. This is why I started doing more parenting content, so I could hang out with the parenting bloggers. They are always either laying golden eggs or having fights so it's kind of like hanging out with a bunch of magic chickens. I like that. Blogging is a lot easier and more fun when you find your own magic chickens to hang out with.
• Too many categories
  Cast a glance down the left sidebar (actually, don't) and you'll see masses of the buggers. Nobody ever clicks on them, not even my personal favourite Bizarre Celebrity Encounters. When we started Eljae, the categories were: Rants; Fiction; Random Wisdoms; Stuff We Love; Reviews; Top Tips and Funnies. What else is there to say in a blog?

I don't believe in regrets - I believe that making mistakes is what makes us human, and learning from mistakes is what makes us intelligent. So, Happy Birthday to you, Blog of Mine. Here's to the next regeneration.

Tesco robots - Just say no

 

Well, I finally did it. I had been building up to it for a while, and today was the day.

I was in Tesco waiting for a till, when the man behind me in the queue indicated that the unmanned, self scanning checkouts were free. So that's when I snapped and said out loud: No thank you, they're evil.

I had been saying it in my head for a while. The man did a double take, then sailed past me to use the *spit* automatic checkout. He didn't ask for more clarification, but if he had then this is what I would have said:

• I prefer to deal with a human being
  Not everything in life has to be automated. Christ, even Starbucks want to know your name these days.
• They squeeze out jobs
  What happens to checkout operators if a computer can do their job? And who tends to do those jobs? Women and students mainly. People who need more opportunities, not less.
• They don't work
  I've seen people stabbing buttons, scanning and re-scanning and getting stressed. Doesn't look like progress to me.
• They're evil
  As I may have mentioned

Of course it's entirely possible that I'm just being a bit of a luddite and resistant to change. But I've got an iPhone, three Twitter accounts, two blogs and a Kindle. I may not understand how they work, but I am definitely in the geek corner more than anywhere else.

But I don't like these computerised tills and will always choose to Vote Human, even if it means a bit more hanging about in the queue until a person rather than a machine is available. It's a mini-protest, but it's mine. Or I could just avoid Tesco altogether.

Every little helps.

image credit:  Power is a state of mind

Tried and tested: How to really go to the gym 3 times a week

As 2011 was year four of my gym challenge (in which I aim to go to the gym 150 times a year AKA 3ish times a week), it marked my 600th gym trip.

But hey, who's counting? I certainly frickin' am.

So pulling together what I've learned, for anyone who's joining a gym and is aiming for the '3 times a week' schtick to stick, here's what I've learned:

1. Join the gym that's closest to you
   That's the one you'll go to. The slightly crappy gym you pass on the way home from work always trumps the one with better facilities that's a 10 minute drive in the opposite direction. The easier your gym is to get to, the more likely you are to go to it.
2. Spend the first month trying out all the classes
   Even the ones that sound a bit rubbish that you don't think you'll like or sound too hard. Do them all at least once. Do the ones you like twice. Don't worry about being the worst in the class - every class will have beginners in it, no matter what the time of year. And none of the regulars are judging you, unless you're wearing really bad harem pants, in which case you brought it on yourself.
3. Go 4 times a week
   Look, I didn't promise it was easy. There will be months when you'll be away, busy or simply can't be arsed. So to make your over all average 3 times a week, you need to aim for more than that as often as possible. From last year's stats, I had 4 months with less than 12 gym visits, 3 of 12 exactly (4 weeks, 3 times each) and 5 months where I went more than 12 times. It all evens out in the end.
4. Write it down
   Keep a diary where you note down all the exercise you're doing, and review it regularly.
   Otherwise I can guarantee you'll be kidding yourself about how much you do, and telling yourself you go around 3 times a week, when you only really went twice last month.
5. Accept that you will never get fit
   Fit isn't something you 'get' and then stop and feel pleased with yourself when you've got it. It's a journey, not a destination. A lifelong journey at that. If deep down you hate your gym time and can't face doing it for the rest of your life, find another fitness journey to travel on. If you're doing it right, it should be enjoyable, not a chore. Otherwise, what's the point?

image: ihasahotdog.com

 

Xmas Tradition Bloghop - The other cake

Salt and Caramel has asked bloggers to share their favourite Christmas traditions and recipes, so I thought I would share The Other Cake with you, which is both. I have been making this for about the last 5 years.

The Other Cake

Ingredients: Whatever you normally put in a Christmas cake. That, times two.

Method: Make a Christmas cake. If you've never done it before, it's easier than you think. I use Mary Berry's recipe.

You will very likely have lots of ingredients left over. You're never going to eat that many raisins in a year, and mixed peel, what's the point of that? So you use the left overs to make another cake. It will be a bit more rough 'n ready than the first one, but that doesn't matter.

Feed both cakes with brandy in the weeks before Christmas and wonder who will end up with The Other Cake.

You won't know who The Other Cake is for when you make it, but its intended recipient will show themselves at some point before Christmas. It might be workmates, a sick friend or neighbours. You will know the right person when they appear. Who ever gets it will talk about that cake for YEARS. It is a magic cake. This year, as you can see from the picture, The Other Cake is square, and my grand plan is to cut it into four and ice each one to make an individual mini Christmas cake. What happens to them after that is anybody's guess.

 You can also take part in the Christmas traditions bloghop here

What not to buy for Christmas

This weekend the papers were full of gift guides and advice on what to get for the people you love (and your family) for Christmas.

Nobody advises you on what not to buy.

This I can help with, as I generally prepare an 'un-list' of things I don't want.

Here's this year's top 5. Nobody buy me any of this crap:

Angry Birds child costume
Nothing says Throw me across the room like an Angry Birds costume. This is a trip to A & E and a visit from Social Services just waiting to happen.

 A Christmas Turd
Look, I appreciate the thought, but I can probably save you the £3.99 and make one of these for myself. Don't tell the craft bloggers about it, it could spark a craze for a whole new kind of home made Christmas gift.

 

Gassy Gus 
And whilst we're in the lavatory, let's pause to admire the game that puts new meaning into the phrase Top Trumps. Yes, it's the farting board game. The family that pumps together stays together - they have to really, no one else will give them house room.

 

Christmas pudding bin bags
Well OBVIOUSLY it's important to have your garbage looking appropriate to the season - this is why I shape my bin bags into hearts at Valentine's, and into the face of the devil at Halloween. But I think the bin men would rather have the tenner, than the chance to hoick a wannabe plum pudding on their truck. Clearly designed for in-law murdering serial killers who need to dispose of the evidence. Joy to the world!

 

Handerpants
They're gloves! They look like pants! Sell it to me, Pants Man:

 Er, no thanks

Have you spotted anything less desirable than this lot? What else needs to go on the un-list?

A fashion dilemma

I have a sartorial dilemma regarding tomorrow. To be fair, I am sartorially challenged at the best of times as I don't exactly have the world's biggest fashion cojones.

My approach to what to wear is this: I wear pretty much the same stuff all year round. I'm usually either too cold or too hot, with about one afternoon in March when I get it just right. I know that sounds uncomfortable, but it's not really. I start with a T shirt and either add a cardigan or not depending on the season. Simple, see?

So what do I do in this situation: Tomorrow I have been invited on a blogger's outing which involves a James Bond-style trip on a speedboat down the Thames. I have never been to an event which started with safety training before so this should be good. Outfit wise, maybe something like this? 

 

Except I don't have a wetsuit.

Then there's lunch in a posh hotel. I don't think wetsuits are allowed.

Later in the day I'm going to the Mumsnet Family Friendly Awards. I'm taking a clue from the word "Awards" that maybe wetsuits wouldn't work here either. But what do I know? There will be a politician, canapes and a Twitter hash tag, so it's totes moderne. Maybe they'll all be in wetsuits, but claiming to be channelling Lady Gaga.

Added to that, Mash's baby has not yet arrived, but is due any day now. So tomorrow could easily involve a dive in the birthing pool at Eastbourne Hospital. I might need a wetsuit after all.

So far my plan is to start off wearing all my clothes and just divest layers as the day goes on. Apart from that, I'm all out of ideas. This leaving the house business is exhausting.

21st Century Birthing Partner

You know you are a 21st century birthing partner when the birthee starts having contractions and you panic because you haven't blogged about it yet

My friend Mash has asked me to be her birth partner when she has her first child. What a privilege to be there at the start of a new life and even better, not to have to be the one giving birth yourself. Double points!

But even though it wasn't that long ago since I had my own children, so much has changed. Now birth partners have to consider: 

• Should I live tweet the birth or not?
  Whilst I am on Twitter, Mash is not, so perhaps this is best avoided. Well, OK I might sneak in a few cheeky ones. Stephen Fry might want to know. That reminds me, I must remember to take my nose out of my iPhone at least once so I don't miss the birth.
• Who gets to put the first pics of the baby on Facebook?
  I am sure there is an etiquette about this which I am bound to get wrong.
• Is there a Flickr stream for the baby pics?
  Or would Tumblr or Pinterest be better? If I take a picture using Hipstamatic, is that like an insult to the baby by implying that it needs 1960's soft focus to look better? Hey kid, it takes ten years off you - one day you'll be glad of that.
• Is my Kindle locked and loaded?
  I have a few light thrillers on there in case we're in for a wait. Just spies and detectives, nothing at all about monsters bursting out of people's bellies.
• Does the hospital have wifi?
  The website gives no clues. Might have to lurk outside with the smokers. Or - gasp! - do without.
• Can I even find the hospital?
  I dowloaded a free satnav app, but that just tried to send me the wrong way down a one way street. Might have to use Ye Olde Road Map. Or get a taxi.

So much to consider! I'm so excited. Have I missed anything?

 image credit: Victor Bezrukov

How do you smuggle a custard pie into parliament?

Something has been bugging me for a few days.

Last year I went to an event at the Houses of Parliament, and the security was incredibly tight - you would let people into your knickers easier than these guys allow you over the threshold of the Palace of Westminster.

So how did that guy manage to smuggle in a flan to fling at Rupert Murdoch?

These are the theories I've come up with so far:

• It was a dehydrated pie and he spend two hours spitting on it to restore it to full size
• He's really Derren Brown and can do whatever he bloody well likes
• Wear pie as a wig. Perhaps this explains why Boris Johnson looks so untroubled by the chaos around him - he's prepared for any assailants by the custard pie he keeps on his head at all times.
• Ensure pie's already in the room, as part of the refreshments. Doable with help, but then again you're a bit stuffed if somebody eats it during the teabreak.
• Blame it on the Tories. This explanation worked well in the Eighties and is still going strong.

What's your theory?