Joanne the Coach

How to Leave Your TV Job

Yesterday I went to the House of Commons. In honour of the occasion I left my balaclava and dirty Belfast accent at home. Surprisingly, on the way in, they gave us a little noose to wear. I know some people find politics depressing, but even so, that's a pretty negative way to get started, don't you think? Turned out the noose was just to hang your security pass off, and not for ease of offing yourself. Phew.

Speaking of making your exit, here's an interesting article written by Barry Shaverin, TV producer turned legal eagle, all about how to quit your job in TV and do something less ridiculous instead. Though the thing about leaving media is that it doesn't always leave you quite so easily. So I am counting the seconds till Mr Shaverin has a programme in deveopment about legal eagles. The Truth About Law...Dawn Porter Does Law...Big Brother's Legal Advisor: Big Barrister. You know it's coming Baz, don't fight it.

Want to be on TV? You Sure About That?

I think there must be something in the gin over at TV Towers. Given that many of my coaching clients are looking to raise their profile in the media world, I've always got my eyes open for opportunities to pass on to them. But lately I've been rubbing my eyes in disbelief because some of the requests are just plain..odd. And I have a high capacity for odd. Take your pick from

• The BBC programme that's looking for people obsessed with vampires. Only those with own coffin need apply.
• Also from the BBC, the self-explanatory Famous, Rich and Jobless.
• Equally self-explanatory is new show Move Like Michael Jackson. I assume they mean when he was alive. I can't imagine his current movements would make for very compelling TV.
• Ethnic Plastic Surgery on Channel Four sounds frankly terrifying. Keeping well away from that one in case they try to laser off my rosy Irish cheeks.
• Another programme wants to know if your children see spirits. Well, yes they do, but they always know to get cider when I send them down the off licence.
• But winner of the award for oddest show that's currently looking for punters has to be the documentary on cross-species nurturing. Or to translate into plain English - they're looking for anyone who's breastfed a pig. Or a cat, horse, donkey or wildebeast. They're not fussy, just as long as you've breastfed an animal of some description. Nice to know factual television is still in pursuit of The Issues That Matter.

Enjoy the Silence - on TV

Pre-production is now underway for a new series for the BBC, currently titled The Silence. Following in the tradition of The Monastery, The Convent and The Retreat, producers Tiger Aspect say that this project is a serious examination of spirituality. They also make a point of saying that there'll be "high production values". I love the way TV producers always say things like that - they never say: the budget will be stretched like cat's gut and we'll edit it to make you look like an idiot.

So they're looking for people willing to embark on a journey that sees them try and put silence into their every day lives, and learn what to do with it when it is there. There will be guidance from spiritual mentors. Volunteers need not be religious, but should be genuinely open to exploring silence, prayer and faith on a personal level. Get in touch at this email address if you want to find out more. Maybe not if you're a town crier, train station announcer or Russell Brand.

I think I could do this no problem. It's blogging and tweeting I'd have difficulty giving up.

BBC/BAFTA Bursaries for Teenagers to Make TV Programmes

If you're a youngling between the ages of 16 and 19, interested in getting into TV, and you're not spending your summer in the Big Brother house, this may interest you instead: The BBC and BAFTA have joined forces to offer you genuine cash money to help you make a TV programme. Now, £3,000 may sound like a lot, but trust me, you'll be lucky if it covers the producer's biscuit bill. But you also get to work with a range of experienced TV personnel, and that in itself is worth more than trifling cash. Or the trifle that you might buy with the cash. So if you're successful, spend it wisely. Full details and how to apply are here.

Hello Luvvies - TV Jobs Round Up

Maybe it's something in the air, but there seem to be a fair few interesting TV jobs and training schemes popping up these days

Millenium FX are taking on two trainees who want a career in prosthetics - i.e. you get to make grungy severed limbs and Doctor Who monsters. Doesn't that just sound like the best fun ever? 'What do you do today dear?' 'Well I made some Ood face spaghetti and sculpted a gangrenous toe' Full details here.

If you just know you have it in you to rock the TV world, the BBC's Production Trainee Scheme is now open for applications. This is a very hard scheme to get on to (I think you have to abseil down the front of TV Centre or something) but once you do, unless you seriously bork it up, you're set for life. (TV life that is, which means you'll be retraining as a reflexologist when you're 39, but before then you'll have a blast.)

There are also various support jobs on offer at the MediaGuardian Edinburgh International Television Festival. A great opportunity to gain experience in the underrated skill of pouring drunken TV execs into taxis. You'll go far if you can master that.

Start 'Em Young - TV Opps for Kids

Magical as they are, those children of mine are just not earning their keep. I think it's time they started their media careers in earnest. Luckily enough,  Yo Gabba Gabba is looking for kids who can do cool tricks. New CBBC show MegaNanny is looking for children to have fun with. And Basil Brush just wants to give the younglings some prizes. That will keep them busy.

Daughter is keen to apply for Gimme A Break. The premise of this show is that the children control the family holiday. So you get filmed inserts of Dad complaining that he doesn't like heights, then a shot of him hanging by a toe from a bungee rope. Mum confeses that she can't live without shopping, then gets abandoned in a desert for a fortnight. You know the sort of thing. You get a free holiday, but you end up looking like a dork.

Luckily I am a veteran of extreme dorkdom, so we are planning to subvert the application form. As of today, I can't stand beaches, sunshine gives me hives and I've just developed a bad case of pool-phobia. I would absolutely hate a holiday that included all those elements, and could be relied upon to pull gurning faces to camera to prove it. That'll work, won't it?

BBC Television Seeks Foodies of all Flavours

Food programmes are very popular right now, especially at tasty old Auntie Beeb. Currently, the BBC wants you if:

• You can't cook to save your life

• You cook so well that people would pay money for it

• You're not so bothered about the cooking, but eating is where you really shine

 

 

Jobs for TV Runners - Break out the flags! Someone's Hiring!

It's a sad sign of the times that the only company I've seen advertising for new staff lately is Poundstretcher

But we will always need telly, and what TV programme could ever get made without the underpaid, overworked runner to do all the jobs nobody else could be arsed to do?

The BBC has now opened its doors to new potential production runners. You will have to wade through an awful lot of managment gobbledegook on this site, but the gist of it is: they're hiring. The money's awful, the positions are insecure, but hey ho, it's a foot in the TV door.

More TV-Related Writing Jobs

Saw these and thought of you:

A bushel of reporters needed to write about the forthcoming series of Celebrity Big Brother.  Quite poor pay on offer, so maybe only worth going for if you were planning on watching the series anyway.

And Digital Spy is also looking for a TV Reporter. Nice work if you can get it.

Getting Started in TV - Some Juicy Job Opps

Fancy yourself as a TV writer?  Well, step this way my friend.  E4's notorious yoofdrama Skins is opening its doors to one lucky newbie scriptwriter.  Find out here how you can write for Skins.  Closing date is 9th December.

And over at the BBC, they're looking for horticultural runners and researchers to work on a range of gardening programmes.  I think it's like normal runners and researchers, but with additional composting abilities.  Based in Birmingham, closing date 1st December.