Joanne the Coach

Pass the popcorn: Polar Express vs The Iron Lady

One thing I really love to do in the Christmas holidays is watch films in the afternoon. This is something I mean to do all year round, but never quite manage (pesky stuff like work and the school run always get in the way).

We've got a big stack of preview screeners to get through - so far Arthur Christmas very good, TinTin even better.

The Polar Express, which has just been re-released, has stood up to the test of time well (as long as you don't watch it straight after TinTin). Though I bet the people behind the DVD/Blu Ray release are spitting feathers at the TV schedulers who're showing the film on Christmas Eve on ITV1.

I had forgotten that there are a lot of thrills to be had in the train section of this film - it looks like a 3D movie ahead of its time. But it all goes a bit flat when Santa appears - he's very sombre and waxen. He should hang out with the assorted Claus family from Arthur Christmas.

What you won't get on the TV showing are all the DVD extras and, if you have a 3D TV, it's released in that format too. I don't think The Polar Express is quite the Christmas classic it imagines itself to be, but as a film to cuddle up on the sofa to with your family, it's pretty good.

And then when the kids had gone to bed, it was time for a horror movie in the shape of The Iron Lady AKA The Margaret Thatcher Story.

What a crazyparade this is - best approached as a pantomime, with the aid of strong drink. If you're watching it surrounded by a bunch of Daily Mail-ites (and let's face it, who else is going to pay money to see this?), shout "She's behind you" from time to time for your own amusement.

My favourite moment was a long lingering shot of the contents of La Thatch's bathroom cabinet, showing a large packet of Windcheaters. I had not heard of these before, but Google informs that they're a certified cure for fanny farts. TMI, Thatch movie, TMI.

Also could have done without the emphasis on Denis & Margaret's 'passionate' relationship, or indeed Richard E Grant as Michael Heseltine. Eurgh. Pass the eye bleach.  If you must see this one, do it either an empty stomach, or blind drunk.

The world's worst competition - win a foot grater - COMPETITION NOW CLOSED

You know how sometimes a competition sounds great, then you click on the link and it ain't so hot? Not here. I'm promising little and delivering less. As 2011 comes to a close, let's round it off in style, with the chance to win a truly terrible prize.

Compers - can you handle the world's worst competition?

THE PRIZE

Look, there's no point in trying to dress it up, it's a foot grater. Known to its manufacturers as a Ped Egg, it has 135 stainless steel microfiles, so no foot rind is too tough for this bad boy. Includes a compartment in which to store your foot shavings. NB not to be confused with parmesan shavings. That would be very bad.

It's sealed and unused, that's the best I can say about it. A PR gave it to me. It's a little piece of the glamour of media life. That you can shave your foot with.

HOW TO ENTER

Leave a comment below telling me why you deserve this terrible prize. Daughter of Mine will be choosing a winner, after she's done her homework.

Closing date: Midnight on Tuesday 6th December.

EXTRA CHANCES TO WIN

If you're really keen, tweet 'I'm entering the #terriblecompetition @joannemallon www.joannethecoach.com '

And for the ultra competitive, there's an extra entry for Facebook likers of this blog, whether you want one or not.

Say if you are claiming any extra entries. I won't judge you (much).

RESTRICTIONS

The restrictions are, there are no restrictions. We'll post this feller anywhere in the world. We just want to get rid of it.

Who's brave enough to enter the world's worst competition?

It's over to you.

You can find more competitions (better than this) at Loquax Competitions and ThePrizeFinder - UK Competitions

What not to buy for Christmas

This weekend the papers were full of gift guides and advice on what to get for the people you love (and your family) for Christmas.

Nobody advises you on what not to buy.

This I can help with, as I generally prepare an 'un-list' of things I don't want.

Here's this year's top 5. Nobody buy me any of this crap:

Angry Birds child costume
Nothing says Throw me across the room like an Angry Birds costume. This is a trip to A & E and a visit from Social Services just waiting to happen.

 A Christmas Turd
Look, I appreciate the thought, but I can probably save you the £3.99 and make one of these for myself. Don't tell the craft bloggers about it, it could spark a craze for a whole new kind of home made Christmas gift.

 

Gassy Gus 
And whilst we're in the lavatory, let's pause to admire the game that puts new meaning into the phrase Top Trumps. Yes, it's the farting board game. The family that pumps together stays together - they have to really, no one else will give them house room.

 

Christmas pudding bin bags
Well OBVIOUSLY it's important to have your garbage looking appropriate to the season - this is why I shape my bin bags into hearts at Valentine's, and into the face of the devil at Halloween. But I think the bin men would rather have the tenner, than the chance to hoick a wannabe plum pudding on their truck. Clearly designed for in-law murdering serial killers who need to dispose of the evidence. Joy to the world!

 

Handerpants
They're gloves! They look like pants! Sell it to me, Pants Man:

 Er, no thanks

Have you spotted anything less desirable than this lot? What else needs to go on the un-list?

When sanpro goes wrong (no, not in that way)

Being a birth partner has taught me so much, including some things I'd rather not know. This is a hospital-issue sanitary towel, with my arm for scale.

Also doubles as travel pillow, bouncy slide and a ferret's mattress.

A fashion dilemma

I have a sartorial dilemma regarding tomorrow. To be fair, I am sartorially challenged at the best of times as I don't exactly have the world's biggest fashion cojones.

My approach to what to wear is this: I wear pretty much the same stuff all year round. I'm usually either too cold or too hot, with about one afternoon in March when I get it just right. I know that sounds uncomfortable, but it's not really. I start with a T shirt and either add a cardigan or not depending on the season. Simple, see?

So what do I do in this situation: Tomorrow I have been invited on a blogger's outing which involves a James Bond-style trip on a speedboat down the Thames. I have never been to an event which started with safety training before so this should be good. Outfit wise, maybe something like this? 

 

Except I don't have a wetsuit.

Then there's lunch in a posh hotel. I don't think wetsuits are allowed.

Later in the day I'm going to the Mumsnet Family Friendly Awards. I'm taking a clue from the word "Awards" that maybe wetsuits wouldn't work here either. But what do I know? There will be a politician, canapes and a Twitter hash tag, so it's totes moderne. Maybe they'll all be in wetsuits, but claiming to be channelling Lady Gaga.

Added to that, Mash's baby has not yet arrived, but is due any day now. So tomorrow could easily involve a dive in the birthing pool at Eastbourne Hospital. I might need a wetsuit after all.

So far my plan is to start off wearing all my clothes and just divest layers as the day goes on. Apart from that, I'm all out of ideas. This leaving the house business is exhausting.

Happy CyberHalloween

Come to my house and I might give you sweets, but then I would have to delete you afterwards...

NB This is our actual home carved Doctor Who pumpkin and not just a picture I swiped off the internets. How many sleeps until the Christmas special again?

What's in your handbag, BritMums?

Being an unashamedly nosy bugger, I really like the BritMums project, What's in Your Handbag?  So after nebbing in to lots of other people's portmanteaus, it feels only fair to let you into mine.

I have a new bag. It's a Matt & Nat Lily vegan handbag in orange which I bought in the sale from Javari:

 

I think it must be made with Time Lord science as it has turned out to be surprisingly capacious. Here's what's in it today:

 

Name: Joanne

Number of children: 2

Blog: www.JoannetheCoach.com

Date photo taken: 23/08/11

Items from left to right, clockwise: Stickers for when I have been good; notebook for noting down all the dirt on mummy bloggers, for my novel; box of business cards; Monkey World souvenir pen; sherbet dip dab ; a fez; a child; sonic screwdriver

You can see more like this at the What's In Your Handbag? site

 

Writer's woes

So that writing two books business, how's that going Joanne?

Actually, not so great. Have you ever tried to eat two elephants? That's what it's like. Or giving birth to two babies (I don't mean like twins. At least twins have the decency to queue, not both rush the exit at once).

And I didn't help myself at all by being so overwhelmed by the task in hand that that I achieved very little for weeks on end. Writing a book seems so much more permanent, and by implication important, than the online writing I've done.

But that's not even true - many more people have access to work that's published online than will ever pick up a book and read it. But still, it felt like A Bigger Deal than anything I'd done before, so I panicked a bit and hid my head in the sand. For most of May.

Sharks, celebrities and a near death experience - just another typical day at Legoland

 

Well, I never expected this I thought, as I complimented Cherie Blair on her choice of kagool.

Nor this either as an hour later, thanks to Keeley Hawes, I narrowly avoided being eaten by sharks.

*rewind*

So on Sunday we pitched up to Legoland in Windsor for the launch of their new Atlantis Submarine Voyage ride. Like BlogCamp, I had once again dressed all wrong for the occasion, in sandals and a light cardie. It was a gawdawful day, with rain tipping tipping down ceaselessly. But I truly believed the sun would shine. I was wrong.

Cherie, stood behind us in the queue for wristbands, had opted much more wisely for a windcheater, and smirked at my open-toed sandals.

On the ride itself we shared a submarine with actors Keeley Hawes, Matthew Macfadyen and family. A yellow submarine. Somebody should write a song about that.

Jedward = the new Lady Gaga?

My mum got very excited when I told her I was interviewing Jedward. Turns out they're one of her favourites ("So charming!"). The last time she got this enthusiastic for a pop act was when she wanted a Lady Gaga CD for her 66th birthday.

Having recently met Take That and The Log Lady from Twin Peaks, I thought I could handle a strange celebrity encounter.

But could I handle Jedward? As it turns out, almost not.

When I arrived at the interview venue, the pavement was lined with girls waiting for them to arrive. One mum told me she'd come on the 5.30am coach from Birmingham that morning purely so her teenage daughter could follow Jedward around London.

And then - a tuft of hair and there he was: