Joanne the Coach

An Apology

Have just about recovered from the House of Mouse.  Though I do still retain a smidgeon of bad feeling about one particular incident.  As you know, I don't do guilt.  But if I did, I think this is what it would feel like.

To put things in context:  I don't think the garment exists that suits everyone from a 6 month old baby to a 40 year old man.

But if it does, it sure as hell ain't a bright red sweatshirt with Micky Mouse on the front.  So, to the family dressed in identical Disney duds - I am very sorry that I laughed out loud at you.  I was so shocked I couldn't stop myself. 

It's a really important central tenet of coaching that the coach is non-judgemental.  So the client can say whatever they like, secure in the knowledge that they won't be found wanting because of it.  And when you start coaching, this non-judgemental attitude can be an odd mantle to put on.  We are so used to judging others, it feels kind of strange not to.  But it's also very freeing because you can then support people for who they are instead of putting them down because of it.

In any case, judging a person doesn't define them.  It just says more about the person doing the judging.  Judging others lets you off the hook when it comes to examining your own actions.

And it's not as if I'm some kind of sartorial expert.  I wear the same clothes all year round, with the result that I am always slightly too hot or slightly too cold.  (Apart from one afternoon in May, when the temperature's just right)  Maybe a nice Mickey Mouse sweatshirt would sort me out.  Whaddya think?

Happy Guilt-Free Mothers Day

Look what I found between the sofa cushions - an extra day.  Where did that come from?

Did you see Sandra Parsons' column in The Times yesterday?  She's certainly spot on to note that the more Middle England the child, the more they view a trip to McDonald's as an immeasurable treat.

However, one sentence made me pull the face.

One of the things you learn in personal development, is that if a client talks about 'you' doing or feeling something, what they really mean is 'I'.  So if someone says "You know when you do X and you feel a bit Y", they are really talking about their own feelings.  But it helps to mentally distance these things, because then you can blame it on somebody else and avoid taking responsibility for your own feelings.

So when Sandra Parsons writes about working mothers:  "You feel feel permanent guilt at not being a good enough mother", although it reads like an attempt to tar the lot of us with the same brush, it's really the writer's own feelings about her own life coming through. 

Regular readers will know that this blog is a parental guilt-free zone.  My children were not born with a free package of guilt, and I resist any attempts to palm one off on me. I don't feel guilty about any aspect of working and parenting.  I'm doing the best I can.  When I go wrong I aim to do better.  Why feel guilty about that?

The part I do think Parsons gets right is about our lives being out of control.  But then that's true for anybody, whether you're a parent or not.  Absolutely nobody is in 100% control of their life.  This is why perfectionism rarely works - life, with its regular curveballs, will always change your plans.

It doesn't do working mothers any favours at all to promote the myth that we must all feel guilty that we're somehow not good enough.  And sometimes it feels positively radical to say that you (of course I mean I) will have no part in keeping the guilty myth going.  Even with an extra day, life's too short for that.

Working Mums - By Your Chubby Kids We Shall Know Thee

More parenting bollox in the news to try and trip up those of us doing the working mother mambo.

As reported by BBC News, a study from the Institute of Child Health claims that children of working mothers are more likely to be obese.  So add that to your list of stuff to feel guilty about - then burn it.

The study's researchers are reported as saying: "Long hours of maternal employment, rather than lack of money, may impede young children's access to healthy foods and physical activity.  For example, parental time constraints could increase a child's consumption of snack foods and/or increase television use."

Note the use of vague, wobbly language in that quote - mothers working long hours "may" stop their children having healthy food and "could" lead to increased snacking & TV watching.  Not that they definitely do, just that they might have an effect.  Just as paternal working hours, location, other priorities and the man in the moon may also have an effect. 

This study appears to take a very all or nothing approach, contrasting the full time working mum (she bad, she eat chips and watch TV) with the stay at home mum (she good, she make nice food).  But what about the increasing numbers of women who adopt a mix and match variation of this - the part-timers, the flexible-shifters, the self-employed?  The trouble with these sorts of surveys is that they tar all working women with the same brush, even when you've done your best to find a working pattern that also gives you time with your kids.

The Kellogg's Family Health Study (of which I'm a panel member) showed that parents are their children's greatest role models.  So if you have a generally healthy and positive attitude to food and exercise, then your kids are likely to adopt this also.

There probably are some good lessons to be learned from this study - it's quite an indictment of the UK's culture of presenteeism and long working hours.  I hope it doesn't become another stick to beat working mothers with, though I suspect it will.  The Daily Mail are probably raising their cudgels with glee already.

Down With Guilt - The Campaign Continues

Yesterday I wrote about guilt being the number one energy-sapper for mothers.  According to today's Guardian, actress Jessica Hynes agrees. 

Speaking to Gareth McLean, Jessica says: "There seems to be an epidemic of guilt among mothers. It's not about anything in particular but you just feel guilty. I've made a conscious decision to give all that up because it seemed to really cloud my experience of motherhood. I've given up on guilt like I gave up smoking. It's totally unhealthy, completely counter-productive, has no nutritional value whatsoever and I really don't enjoy it. Guilt is obstructive to love."  Read the full article here. 

Hooray for Jessica Hynes and her words of truth and wisdom.

Today, stick your nose in the air whilst you squish guilt into the carpet where it belongs.