Joanne Mallon's Opposable Thumbs

5 places to hide from the kids during the Easter holidays

 

The Easter school holidays are coming up. Your kids are coming for your computer to play Minecraft. You need it for good old fashioned paying work, or for looking at kittens on Facebook.

Either way, your need outweighs that of the younglings. They can always go out side and poke things with sticks. You need to stay with your bum on that computer chair, shouting at them for spending too much time in front of screens.

We only have a couple of days to plan this, so let's think about where are the best places to hide from your children over Easter.

Just expecting to sweat it out won't work - it's years until they turn teenage and have no interest in what you're up to. Until then, you need a plan, and it needs to be a good one.

So, where to hide?

1. Anywhere there is no chocolate
   You're safe here, they won't be interested. And the chocolate in your pocket doesn't count
2. Cupboard under the stairs
   Well, if it was good enough for Harry Potter. Plus you will probably still have wifi
3. The pub
   Call it a Health & Safety outing. If your kids are annoying you then you'll need to escape for the benefit of your health and their safety
4. The library
   As above but you can pretend it's educational, plus the magazines are better
5. The space between your bed and the wall
   This is a good one but you have to crouch down low so mind your back. If your hiding place gets found out then you can always pretend you were getting ready to launch yourself into a forward roll across the bed. Just pray they don't ask you to demonstrate. Knowing today's younglings, you'll find yourself with arse in the air, starring in a Youtube vid within the hour.

 

This post is sponsored by all working parents having the dry boke already at the prospect of two weeks of 'fun'.

 

 image credit: Microsoft images

 

Lessons in writing from Jacqueline Wilson

Last week I went to see an exhibition about the life and work of prolific children's author Jacqueline Wilson. It's a free exhibit in residence at Hove Museum until the end of April 2013 and well worth a visit if you're a Jaqueline Wilson fan.

l love to see how writers and wrtists actually work. There used to be a great feature in The Guardian on Saturdays showing a writer's room. The messy ones were the best. I think you can tell a lot about a person's internal world by looking at the external world they choose to surround themselves with.

It was great to see Jacqueline Wilson's actual typewriter which she used to write Tracy Beaker:

 

And her notebooks:

 

Not so much her spooky monkeys dressed as bride and gimp:

 

 

How can she ever get anything done with those guys in the house?

 

Then it all became clear - she goes unplugged:

 I think she might be on to something there. 

Guest post: 4 easy ways to deal with procrastination

When I am coaching freelancers, there's one issue that pops up more than any other - procrastination.

Everybody thinks they waste too much time.

Everybody thinks that other people must be far more in control of their time.

Everybody thinks it's only them who has big chunks of the day fall into a black hole consisting of looking at pictures of strangers on Facebook and arguing with that guy about that thing on Twitter.

So, procrastination. I think it's a diease we've all got to one degree or another. My theory on this (which you can read more about here) is that it's part of the dance we do, and as long as you're still getting your work done then in some cases it can even be beneficial.

But what if getting distracted is stopping you from doing stuff you need to do? What if your to-do list has its own postal code?

Here are some expert tips to help from Grace Marshall, author of 21 Ways to Manage the Stuff That Sucks Up Your Time:

"I sit down to write and turn on the computer.

I check my emails first. Someone’s mentioned me on Twitter. Reply to that. Wow, that’s a fantastic quotation. Share that on my Facebook page. Fantastic, some feedback on my last post. Thank them and answer questions.

Back to writing. Get my notes out.

There’s a reminder here to introduce a networking contact to my Web designer. That’s easy; they’re both on LinkedIn. While I’m there I’ll add my new contacts. Five a day. It’s all about regular and consistent action, right?

Done. Where was I? Ah yes, writing. But my tea’s gone cold. Better make a new one. Tidy kitchen counter while I’m there. There’s that receipt I was looking for. File it before I lose it again.

Back to the desk, hot cup of tea in hand. Oh look, an email. Fantastic, I've been waiting for him to get back to me. Now where’s that file I need to send him?"

- excerpt from 21 Ways to Manage the Stuff That Sucks Up Your Time

 

Grace says:

In this day and age, distractions are rife, but they seem all the more irresistible when you’re putting something off.

Is procrastination putting your distractions on steroids? Here are four quick tips to help you  get them under control:

 

1. Ask yourself: what’s the point?

First of all - what are you trying to achieve here. What’s your purpose? What matters most? True motivation comes from knowing why something matters to you, not why you think you ‘should’ be doing it.

If there is no point, and you can get away with not doing it, I suggest you take great pleasure in crossing it off your list.

Or if the point is that you can’t get away from it, i.e. “bad things happen if I don’t”, then you might as well get it out of the way and stop it from sucking up more of your time, energy and mental space.

The point is, choose where you want to spend your time instead of reacting to whoever or whatever happens to be shouting the loudest.

 

2. Unplug from distractions

Every time we turn our attention from one thing to another, it takes time to refocus. Re-read the last paragraph you’ve written. Revisit your notes. Get back into the right headspace. This takes time.

Give yourself periods of unplugged time - turn off your emails, Facebook and anything else that pings or pops up. Tell Twitter you’ll be back in an hour. Divert your phone to voicemail. Close the door. You’ll be amazed at how much you can get done in just an hour of uninterrupted time, compared to a day of flitting from one thing to another.

 

3. Make it easier

Baby steps can overcome overwhelm, bypass procrastination, sneak past fear and self-doubt and still move mountains. Writing one page or chapter, or even writing for 20 minutes, is infinitely more doable than staring at “Write book” on your to-do list every morning.

Instead of one big project or one mammoth task, how can you break it up into easier, more doable chunks? What would your baby steps be?

 

4. Sweeten the deal

As Mary Poppins said, “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”

Get creative. Just as we turn things into a game, race, or competition to encourage our children to do something, how can you do it differently to make it more fun?

For example:

• Do it with company - the kind of company that will hold you accountable, race you to the finish line or simply take the boredom out of it.

• Change the scenery - do it somewhere different or get some upbeat music playing. I know a couple of directors who combined their business plan meeting with a walk through the woods.

• Turn your distractions into rewards. Get the article written, then go on twitter and celebrate. You’ll have much more fun knowing it’s done, free from that nagging guilt of “I should be doing...”

 

You can find more tips like this in Grace’s new book 21 Ways to Manage the Stuff That Sucks Up Your Time, a book designed to help you gain more time for the important things in your life, without sucking up your time to do so!

 

main image credit: Ghetu Daniel

Do you procrastinate? What are your biggest time suckers? Fess up in the comments box (this will count as professional development and not procrastinating at all).

Confessions of a stationery nerd

A little piece of history died today, as the last ever typewriter to be made in the UK rolled off the production line at Brother in Wrexham.

Think of that - the last typewriter! It's qwerty-fiably sad.

{That's a joke for the keyboard nerds}

{Just me then}

Despite being a techy nerd I am also a good old fashioned stationery nerd as well. I run my life via my iPhone and Filofax, keep a well-stocked pen pot and come over quite peculiar when confronted with a full display of Moleskine notebooks.

I write all my appointments in the Filofax on my desk. Occasionally a child will come along and add a smiley face if they approve of the upcoming event. Admittedly I have never caught which child it is that might be doing this, and it is always possible that it's Dennis the cat that's adding all those smiley faces.

I have a second Filofax that I decant each year's diary to when I put a fresh one into my main one. So if you want to know where I was on March 7th 2008 I am ON THAT (actually it was the junior school film night).

When I am coaching somebody on the phone I always take notes by hand and encourage them to do the same. I also encourage coaching clients to start keeping a journal.

There is something very special about the physical process of writing things down with a pen in your hand straight on to paper. It moves your mind and produces unique insights. Keyboards will never totally replace that. Typewriters may be becoming extinct but pens are here forever.

So you can understand why I had to retire to a dark room and breathe into a paper bag when asked to become an official stationery tester.

Cross Pens have asked me to join their review panel. Essentially what this will involve is them sending me some of their latest range and me telling them whether I think they're nice pens or not. They haven't asked me to blog about it, which of course is psychological catnip to bloggers and sure to send us straight to the computer.

So to kick things off I was sent the limited edition Year of the Snake pen, which is so posh that it comes with its own plinth. Plinth, as Miranda Hart has noted, is the King of Words, so this must indeed be the King of Pens.

I was also sent a Forever Pearl rollerball, which is really gorgeously designed piece of writing kit. I can see this making a lovely christening or wedding gift.

I must admit it has been kind of strange to have in my custody two pens whose value is more than I would spend on food in a month. The interesting part has been the extent to which they have an effect on what I'm writing - you wouldn't use either of these for your shopping list.

The one time I bought a really posh pen like this before it was for my father's 60th birthday. When he died a few years later the pen came back to me. You really feel a connection with someone when you use a pen they've held and written with. I've told my kids they can have these when I join The Cloud, or if my fingers drop off through overuse.

One interesting side effect has been on my kids - their handwriting becomes a million times better when they're using the Cross pens. So if you want to help someone improve their handwriting, the answer seems to be to give them a decent pen to inspire them to make an effort.

So they're very much not disposible pens. They'll live on my desk, with the Filofax. If I don't lose them, they'll all be around forever, which is more than you can say for an iPhone.

Sign in here if you've done bugger all for Christmas

It's eight weeks until Christmas, fifty days or therabouts, and I have done feck all. Nor do I plan to, for quite a few weeks yet.

I know where I will be on Christmas Day (in my house) but that's about as far as it's got.

This week I had an email from a journalist looking for someone who's disorganised at Christmas and hoping I would fit the bill. I refused on the grounds that I don't think I'm disorganised, I'm just not convinced that early is best when it comes to Christmas.

Nobody else seems to agree though. The internets are full of smuggers who've got every last Christmas present bought and wrapped, and probably know what they're having for tea on Boxing Day 2013.

I did used to be a Christmas early adopter. For a few years I aimed to be done and dusted by 1st December, with the aim of spending the twelfth month wafting on a cloud of mulled wine and mince pies.

What a bag of shite that turned out to be.

Stuff I had bought early was reduced in December sales, so it felt like I was being penalised for buying early. The children changed their minds about what they were interested in between me buying it and Christmas rolling around. I would forget what I'd bought people and end up buying more to compensate. There was ALWAYS something to do at the last minute, and I ALWAYS found myself dashing round the shops on Christmas Eve.

It didn't feel smooth and organised it all - the stress just got spread out over a longer amount of time and got bigger as a result.

So this is how it's going to be:

• Don't panic
• Sign up for Amazon Family. This will get me 3 months' worth of free Amazon Prime membership, ie next day delivery. As long as I cancel the Amazon Family membership before the 3 months is up, it won't cost me anything. Yes this is a bit calculating, but I figure Amazon will have had their money's worth out of me by then.
• Sit down with a big glass of red wine and do all my shopping online, relying heavily on Amazon Prime next day delivery.
• Er...that's it.
• Apart from the fact that I still fully expect to be shopping on 24th December. But that's OK, it's just how it goes.

I think of this system not so much disorganisation as strategic organisation; playing Christmas chicken; ninja shopping. It's more fun that way. Ho bloody ho.

image credit:TheUglySweaterShop

How to get your garden ready for Spring

My office is next to the garden, and at this time of year I like to nip out and check if the cherry tree has survived the winter. Here it is today and if you look closely you can see little buds which are starting to grow and will eventually become leaves, flowers and maybe even a few cherries. It's like a newborn baby, it changes every day.

 

And below you can see my garden helper - Dennis the infamously grumpy cat. Yes I know he's a handsome beast, but generally his only contribution to the garden involves stalking birds and using the lawn as a loo.

 

Hopefully your family are a bit more helpful in the garden. And here's some advice from  Sarah Oxley from Tiger Sheds on getting the family involved in preparing the garden:

 

 

Spring Time Is Garden Time

Spring is here. Well, I think spring is here, although my iPhone did claim that it would snow this Sunday, and although it didn’t, it did hail on Saturday for about ten minutes. Does that count as anti-spring weather? No idea, so I will go with ‘No’.

So, spring is here, and as such it’s time to do some garden chores and get it all ready for spring. The grass will need tending to, and your flower beds will need weeding. At the moment, you’re thinking how absolutely uninspiring this sounds, but it could be real good fun. If you do it together, as a family! Yes, that’s right get your kids involved, teach them how to plant flowers and sow seeds and encourage their inner gardener. I’m expecting all of you to unlock your garden sheds and get out the tools and start the gardening fun.

The Grass
Your grass doesn’t need cutting yet (unless you completely neglected it last year, then it does), but you can:
• Remove any rotting leaves or thatch
• Rake away any moss (This is a good one for the kids, as they have permission to destroy the moss)
• Reseed where the moss has caused damages (This is another good task for the kids. Be sure that the bag of seed isn’t too heavy for them, and that they don’t pile a ton of seeds in one spot. An even distribution is what you’re after)

The Flower Beds
• Weed the flower beds (A good task to do together as you can teach your children the difference between plant and weed)
• Remove rotting leaves, twigs, thatch and stones from the bed
• Purchase some small spring plants that are in bloom such as Primroses or Pansies, and plant them in the flower beds (This is good as a team effort of digging the hole for the plant, placing it gently in, covering it up with soil and watering it. The main attraction here is the necessity to get your hands dirty)

Create A Vegetable Patch
Getting your children to eat their vegetables can be a bit of a challenge. My Mum had no end of trouble with me, but none at all with my brother. For encouragement, it can help to eat self-grown vegetables. There’s a sense of achievement and pride when the vegetables are fully grown and ready to eat, which can make them more appetizing. The operative word here is ‘can’. To create your own patch:
• Corner off a section in the garden (something between 2x3 or 2x1 metres), and dig up the grass
• Plough some small rows and plant some carrots, French climbing beans or lettuce
• Mark your rows to keep an eye on what is growing where
• Encourage regularly checks and plenty of water

Whatever, you decide to do in the garden this spring, make sure you do it together.

This guest post was sponsored by Tiger Sheds, manufacturers of garden and potting sheds.

What not to buy for Christmas

This weekend the papers were full of gift guides and advice on what to get for the people you love (and your family) for Christmas.

Nobody advises you on what not to buy.

This I can help with, as I generally prepare an 'un-list' of things I don't want.

Here's this year's top 5. Nobody buy me any of this crap:

Angry Birds child costume
Nothing says Throw me across the room like an Angry Birds costume. This is a trip to A & E and a visit from Social Services just waiting to happen.

 A Christmas Turd
Look, I appreciate the thought, but I can probably save you the £3.99 and make one of these for myself. Don't tell the craft bloggers about it, it could spark a craze for a whole new kind of home made Christmas gift.

 

Gassy Gus 
And whilst we're in the lavatory, let's pause to admire the game that puts new meaning into the phrase Top Trumps. Yes, it's the farting board game. The family that pumps together stays together - they have to really, no one else will give them house room.

 

Christmas pudding bin bags
Well OBVIOUSLY it's important to have your garbage looking appropriate to the season - this is why I shape my bin bags into hearts at Valentine's, and into the face of the devil at Halloween. But I think the bin men would rather have the tenner, than the chance to hoick a wannabe plum pudding on their truck. Clearly designed for in-law murdering serial killers who need to dispose of the evidence. Joy to the world!

 

Handerpants
They're gloves! They look like pants! Sell it to me, Pants Man:

 Er, no thanks

Have you spotted anything less desirable than this lot? What else needs to go on the un-list?

21st Century Birthing Partner

You know you are a 21st century birthing partner when the birthee starts having contractions and you panic because you haven't blogged about it yet

My friend Mash has asked me to be her birth partner when she has her first child. What a privilege to be there at the start of a new life and even better, not to have to be the one giving birth yourself. Double points!

But even though it wasn't that long ago since I had my own children, so much has changed. Now birth partners have to consider: 

• Should I live tweet the birth or not?
  Whilst I am on Twitter, Mash is not, so perhaps this is best avoided. Well, OK I might sneak in a few cheeky ones. Stephen Fry might want to know. That reminds me, I must remember to take my nose out of my iPhone at least once so I don't miss the birth.
• Who gets to put the first pics of the baby on Facebook?
  I am sure there is an etiquette about this which I am bound to get wrong.
• Is there a Flickr stream for the baby pics?
  Or would Tumblr or Pinterest be better? If I take a picture using Hipstamatic, is that like an insult to the baby by implying that it needs 1960's soft focus to look better? Hey kid, it takes ten years off you - one day you'll be glad of that.
• Is my Kindle locked and loaded?
  I have a few light thrillers on there in case we're in for a wait. Just spies and detectives, nothing at all about monsters bursting out of people's bellies.
• Does the hospital have wifi?
  The website gives no clues. Might have to lurk outside with the smokers. Or - gasp! - do without.
• Can I even find the hospital?
  I dowloaded a free satnav app, but that just tried to send me the wrong way down a one way street. Might have to use Ye Olde Road Map. Or get a taxi.

So much to consider! I'm so excited. Have I missed anything?

 image credit: Victor Bezrukov

Social media for journalists: Part three - Getting work, getting paid and wasting time

And now the end of my presentation is near. How did I ever hope to cram this lot into 30 minutes and take questions as well? Daftoid. At least you know when you book me you get your money's worth.

Anyway, make sure you read part one of social media for journalists, which is an introduction to Twitter. And part two is all about LinkedIn and Facebook and some cool forums that'll help you get writing work.

Here in part three we're looking at what kind of social media work is available for journalists, what you might expect to get paid and how not to let all this stuff suck up more time than it's worth.

Social media work for journalists

• This could be tweeting or blogging on behalf of a client
  Essentially, it's the new copywriting, and much more dynamic than the old stuff. Could be worth suggesting to clients you've already written web copy for.
• Charge for time rather than per word
  Per word, the rates start to look pretty poor, so when quoting think in terms of what the client wants and how long that'll take you. Also take into consideration how much regular work can be guaranteed - £50 per 350 word blog post isn't great, but if you can finish it in under an hour and do 10 a week, it all adds up.
• An hour a day can add up to a lot more
  Typically, you might be asked to look after a Twitter feed for an hour a day, but any job which extends across the week will inevitably take up more mental space than that. Be realistic about what you commit to, and how that fits in with the other work you're doing.
• Other journos are charging from £300/day, or from £25/hour for social media work
  I did a mini survey and these figures were mentioned most commonly. So as a guide, you're thinking in terms of your copywriting daily rate.
• Clients may wish to pay a lot less!
  This is a brand new area of work, so the 'going rate' is still under negotiation. There will be clients who do not recognise that this is a skilled job for a writer and will expect to pay you in buttons. Whether or not you take those buttons is up to you, but remember that part of progressing as a writer is, on occasion, turning work down.

 

What's in your handbag, BritMums?

Being an unashamedly nosy bugger, I really like the BritMums project, What's in Your Handbag?  So after nebbing in to lots of other people's portmanteaus, it feels only fair to let you into mine.

I have a new bag. It's a Matt & Nat Lily vegan handbag in orange which I bought in the sale from Javari:

 

I think it must be made with Time Lord science as it has turned out to be surprisingly capacious. Here's what's in it today:

 

Name: Joanne

Number of children: 2

Blog: www.JoannetheCoach.com

Date photo taken: 23/08/11

Items from left to right, clockwise: Stickers for when I have been good; notebook for noting down all the dirt on mummy bloggers, for my novel; box of business cards; Monkey World souvenir pen; sherbet dip dab ; a fez; a child; sonic screwdriver

You can see more like this at the What's In Your Handbag? site