Joanne Mallon's Opposable Thumbs

Be careful what you wish for...

I often say that the main reason I keep fit is to be able to outrun the beasts in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

 I am only semi-joking about this.

Life continually proves itself to be stranger than fiction so you've got to keep an open mind and be prepared for the unexpected.

Still, it was a surprise to enter the gym changing room on Sunday to be confronted with real live (dead?) zombies.

Their ashen faces, wild, sunken eyes, matted hair and ripped clothing covered in dried blood weren't top of my post-workout plan. Also there was a woman in there airing her hooha with one of the hairdryers but she wasn't a zombie, she was just uninhibited.

I had just run for 5k so was purple-faced and addle-headed to say the least. It was very discombobulating.

But seriously, Zombies? Is this how it starts? In the women's changing room at LA Fitness? Did you smell us first because we're all a bit sweaty? Had you heard about the exhibitionist with the hairdryer?

 

 

Turns out it was a hen party, all kitted out to perform Michael Jackson's Thriller. They had hired the fitness studio to rehearse. They were not zombies, they were just a bit pissed on prosecco.

Phew.

We live to fight another day.

Runwhining Season: like Christmas but with more running, less gifts, same amount of whining

Now that it is March, the season of runwhining is upon us.

Traditionally this is the time when all the people who took up running at the start of the year start to whine about it.

There is a slightly smug undertone to this whining because, y'know, they've been running whilst you've been hoovering up Haribos with your face.

I bet if you look down your Twitter or Facebook feeds or Google Reader, at least three of your friends are moaning about their running schedules right now. 

(Yes imaginary friends off the internet count. Imaginary friends off the internet always count)

So as not to break with tradition, I must now have a good old moan about the small amount of running I have been doing. Don't blame me, it's the law. The Law of Runwhining Season.

I am now into week 8 of the Couch to 5K program. Yes I realise we are actually 10 weeks in from the start of the year, but I lost a week to snow and doughnuts, plus it took me two weeks to get through week 5.

Week 5 of C25K is horrible. At this point the most you will have done is 8 minutes' worth of running, then it suddenly whumps it up to 20 minutes. Then the next week goes back down to 8 minute bursts, like the whole 20 minute hobbling debacle never happened.

I only got through that bit by consulting Professor Google who said: Run slower. Apparently if you can run any slower than you are already doing, then you're probably going too fast and are unlikely to make it through the program.

If internet chatter's to be believed (and when is is NOT?), very few people get through this program and are doing the full 5K distance. First you gain the ability to run for 30 minutes, then after that you step up the pace to be able to do 5K in that time. So basically the whole Couch to 5K in 8 weeks is built on A LIE.

One side effect has been that I can fit into some jeans that didn't fit at the start, so if I was the sort of person who gave a shit about stuff like that then that would be good.

Really I'm doing this for the zombies. Come the zombie apocalypse, it will be good to be able to get a move on.

As you can see from the screen shot here, I should be finished Couch to 5K within the week. Fingers crossed no zombie apocalypse before then.

 

 

PS My children have informed me that there is no zombie apocalypse imminent. They are implying that my motivation is flawed. And they couldn't have told me this 10 weeks ago?! It's things like this that led to the start of Runwhining Season in the first place.

 

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C25K - Who invented this monstrosity?

Could you do a day without technology?

It's adults, not children who need their screen time limited

C25K - Who invented this monstrosity?

Physically, for me, 2012 was where it all went wrong.

I wish now that I had known when I was in my prime because I would have enjoyed it a whole lot more at the time.

Anyway, teeth, knees, back, lungs, head, body, innards - last year it was all collapsing.

Of course, I didn't go to the doctor, I did what anybody else in 2012 would do and consulted Doctor Google who frightened the bejeezus out of me.

One good thing is that I still managed my yearly goal of 150 gym sessions, though now that we're on to the 5th year of this it's become less of a goal and simply a thing that I do.

This year I miscounted and accidentally did session 150 on Christmas Eve, and so could take the rest of the year off, which turned out to be a good thing because I then developed a cracking lurgy which resulted in me hiding under a blanket for quite some time.

So I enter 2013 feeling a bit lumpen and under par, but not intending to keep it like that. Whilst I do do a lot of things unsuccessfully, you can't fault my capacity for having a go.

And this week I downloaded the C25K app. This is the latest incarnation of the Couch to 5K beginner's running program, which aims to take you from lounging peacefully on the sofa eating crisps (lovely) to pelting about like the zombies are after you (nightmare).

For the first session, my knees protested, as did my left hip. The next day I woke up at 5am with griping calf pain. My legs really don't like this running business at all. Hard cheese hombres, I've started now, and one way or another we'll finish.

The program works by starting you off very gently - repeated sessions of a minute's running plus double that in walking to recover. Having done Couch to 5K before I know it's got a sting in its tail - at about week 5, when you've progressed to gentle lolloping like a happy spring bunny, it wallops you with something ridiculous like an 8 minute run.

The app works by interrupting whatever music you're listening to and telling you to start walking or running or whatever. Only, it doesn't do it quite loud enough for my cauliflower ears and I keep missing the cues. This has led to, on occasion, an accidental extra 30 seconds of running. Honestly, the things I put myself through. It's no wonder I'm collapsing.

So my plan now is to keep up with C25K (or Y2K as I keep calling it in my head) for as long as I can until either the gym classes empty enough for me to get back in, or my legs crumble, or I get sick of listening to the Human League's Greatest Hits.

Well, you've got to have a plan haven't you? Wish me luck.

Anti-fashion: 5 great looks for women

I was thinking about personal style yesterday when I went to my BodyCombat class at the gym. There were two women in the front row in heavy eyeliner (think Amy Winehouse tripping the light fantastic sort of thing). By the end of the class, which is a pretty ferocious hour of mixed martial arts-style leaping, their eyeliner was running down their red faces, mixed with sweat.

Each looked like she'd been crying for a lover, when in fact it was just the manifestation of hard physical work.

I thought they looked glorious.

This made me think about what makes for a great look. This is what I like.

• Stompy boots
  Stompy boots look great whether you're 3 or 103.  My current stompy boots of choice also have a pointy toe, which comes in handy when you want to kick some ass.
• Nose in a book
  Actually, this is a great unisex look - who doesn't look good with their nose in a book? If they are wearing glasses as well then it is pretty much Top Trumps. Nose in a Kindle is, sadly, not quite the same, and nose in an iPhone is substantially worse.
• A friendly demeanour
  You know, the sort of person who looks like you could cadge a hug off them pretty easily. I don't have this. This is why no one speaks to me on the school run.
• Breastfeeding whilst tweeting
  You see this a lot at blogger events - women feeding their child in one arm whilst cradling an iPad with the other. I always think it looks amazing. Breastfeeding purists would probably have you believe that that you should be sniffing your child's head and focusing 100% on them. But the truth for most mothers is that life is one big multi task. So I love it when you see people combining feeding their baby with simply getting on with their day.
• Proud of who she is
  This isn't so much to do with what you're wearing or how you've gussied up your hair - I think it's more a question of body language and how relaxed in their own skin a person seems to be. And it's nothing to do with body size either. It's just one of those looks that you know when you see it, because you want to stand up and applaud as she enters the room.

Of course we could try and kid ourselves that how we look doesn't matter, but it does. What I think matters less, is fashion, the size of your arse and when you last had a hair cut. What do you reckon?

 

Review: Pretty bargainous sports shoes

I recently wrote about my gym challenge over here on Spikes & Heels. I've done over 600 gym sessions now and my enthusiasm is still fresh for it. Alas, the same cannot be said for my shoes.

In fact, I've had the same gym shoes for over 10 years now. Since I mainly do BodyPump and BodyCombat, it's all indoors so your shoes don't take the pounding they might if you were running outdoors. Even so, my shoes were fraying at the toes and definitely in need of a refresh.

And then, in an act of serendipity that almost never happens, I got offered a pair of sports shoes to review from the aptly named Sports Shoes dot com.

Now, the first thing you need to know about this Sports Shoes site is that they don't just sell sports shoes. That would be too obvious. You can get the whole kit, from sports bras to shin splint sports supports (try saying that when you're out of puff).

But sports shoes they certainly do have - lots and lots of sports shoes. Too much, almost. I started off in the running department and found there were 229 pairs in my size alone. I found it a bit overwhelming. So I narrowed the search down to Nike (cos that's what my previous sports shoes were, and they turned out pretty well).

From there I applied my usual fashion manifesto: If the White Stripes were to reform and needed me to go on tour with them, what would I wear?

So that led me to these red devils, or to give them their full title, Nike Lady Lunarglide+ 3 Running Shoes. RRP £84.99, currently reduced by 20% to £67.45 (I wasn't paying, but I didn't want to take the piss).

They turned up a couple of days later, and were more pinky red in the flesh than they look in the site photo. The laces and the cushioning at the back of the shoe are virtually luminous pink. What will The White Stripes think? I wondered. When we go on tour, I mean. I guess I'll deal with that when it arises.

They're incredibly lightweight but supportive, and will take the Nike+ sensor for people who like boasting on Facebook about how far they've just run.

 Every time I wear them, I get compliments, from people I have been sharing gym classes with for years who've never actually spoken to me before. Who knew that new sports shoes were as much of a social lubricant as white wine?

And - get this - the first time I wore these shoes to the gym, another fellow gym-goer ACTUALLY PUT HER OWN SHOES IN THE BIN. Really. I am not making that up. These are super-handsome shoes. I like them so much I dyed my legs to match the gym floor.

What I like about SportsShoes.com is that, as well as an enormous choice of products, there're some great technical tips and advice videos to help you choose the right shoes. Plus my inner stingy person likes the fact that there are lots of discounts on big brands (not just the left over stuff that no one wants), and you can pick up some great bargains without having to wait for the sale. Might just get another pair, and not wait 10 years this time.

Tried and tested: How to really go to the gym 3 times a week

As 2011 was year four of my gym challenge (in which I aim to go to the gym 150 times a year AKA 3ish times a week), it marked my 600th gym trip.

But hey, who's counting? I certainly frickin' am.

So pulling together what I've learned, for anyone who's joining a gym and is aiming for the '3 times a week' schtick to stick, here's what I've learned:

1. Join the gym that's closest to you
   That's the one you'll go to. The slightly crappy gym you pass on the way home from work always trumps the one with better facilities that's a 10 minute drive in the opposite direction. The easier your gym is to get to, the more likely you are to go to it.
2. Spend the first month trying out all the classes
   Even the ones that sound a bit rubbish that you don't think you'll like or sound too hard. Do them all at least once. Do the ones you like twice. Don't worry about being the worst in the class - every class will have beginners in it, no matter what the time of year. And none of the regulars are judging you, unless you're wearing really bad harem pants, in which case you brought it on yourself.
3. Go 4 times a week
   Look, I didn't promise it was easy. There will be months when you'll be away, busy or simply can't be arsed. So to make your over all average 3 times a week, you need to aim for more than that as often as possible. From last year's stats, I had 4 months with less than 12 gym visits, 3 of 12 exactly (4 weeks, 3 times each) and 5 months where I went more than 12 times. It all evens out in the end.
4. Write it down
   Keep a diary where you note down all the exercise you're doing, and review it regularly.
   Otherwise I can guarantee you'll be kidding yourself about how much you do, and telling yourself you go around 3 times a week, when you only really went twice last month.
5. Accept that you will never get fit
   Fit isn't something you 'get' and then stop and feel pleased with yourself when you've got it. It's a journey, not a destination. A lifelong journey at that. If deep down you hate your gym time and can't face doing it for the rest of your life, find another fitness journey to travel on. If you're doing it right, it should be enjoyable, not a chore. Otherwise, what's the point?

image: ihasahotdog.com

 

Review & giveaway - Zumba Fitness 2 for Wii -COMPETITION NOW CLOSED

Earlier this year I reviewed the first Zumba Fitness Wii game, and it went on to become an enormous chart topping best seller, shifting over 3 million copies. People are WILD about Zumba, and so, inevitably, a follow up has been released in the ubertoned shape of Zumba Fitness 2.

Priced around £25, it's only available on Wii. I was sent a copy to try out (and one to give away - see below for details), so I put on my finest Lycra and set forth on a fitness mission.

Basically, Zumba is shaking your ass aerobics. There's a bit of leaping from side to side involved, but mainly it's all about the rear guard action. So to play this game, you'll need room to do it- look around your living room and ask yourself: Can my bum shake big in this? If the answer is yes, then you can go to the Zumba party.

You can join in from any fitness level - if you're a bit out of puff, start by learning the moves or doing a single song routine only before you build up to a full class. For the more experienced Zumba-ites, there are routines from 20 to 60 minutes, or you can build your own routine by picking out your favourite tracks.

Your movements are tracked via a special belt (included in the pack) which lets you tuck the Wii controller next to your hip. But don't rely on this too much for accuracy - I was promoted to Zumba Legend after 3 songs, when I am really more of a Mince Pie Eating Legend, if truth be told.

One element I really liked about this release are the fact that the settings are much more fun this time - you're exercising everywhere from an LA nightclub to a Miami yacht. So much better than my sweat-smelly gym. It doesn't have fireworks either.

This release is great if you've eaten too many mince pies, get snowed in or simply prefer to exercise in the privacy of your own home. It's a shame it's not available for Xbox Kinect as it would be great for that format, but the word is that it may be available on Kinect next year. So for now, Nintendo Wii it is.

Here's an interesting peak into how Zumba Fitness 2 was made - plus, how serious are these game dudes? Lighten up guys and gals, it's meant to be a party. If you're saying something's exciting, no need to look like you've just been stabbed in the toe:

 

WIN A COPY OF ZUMBA FITNESS 2
I have one copy of Zumba Fitness 2 for Nintendo Wii to give away (UK residents only).

To enter - Leave a comment below telling me why you want it.

Entries close at midnight on Sunday 18th December, so hopefully the randomly-picked winner should get it in time to start their New Year fitness regime.

EXTRA ENTRIES
You can have an optional extra entry if you like this blog on Facebook - mention this when you leave a comment

You can find more competitions to enter at ThePrizeFinder - UK Competitions and Loquax Competitions

WIN: Relax and revive competition - prizes worth £225 COMPETITION CLOSED

THIS COMPETITION HAS NOW CLOSED - DON'T LEAVE A COMMENT, IT WON'T BE COUNTED

I don't know about you, but it's been a tough old week and I'm feeling pooped already. Most of us don't relax as much as we should, so here's a competition with some very special prizes to help you (or someone you love) do just that. You'll be chilled to within an inch of your life with this lot.

The prizes:

First prize winner will get:

• MeMeMe Pure Indulgence gift set from Find Me A Gift, value £29.99. This gift box full of beauty treats gives you everything you'll need to recreate a spa at home. Contents include a gorgeously scented candle, aromatherapy oils, hand and nail cream, nail varnish and facial moisturiser.
• A voucher from Floatworks in London for a session in their fantastic floatation tanks, value £45. I've had a float in one of these and it's amazing, one of the most relaxing things you'll ever do.
• A £100 voucher from iExplore, the travel site that specialises in thrilling adventure holidays and experiences. They call it thrillaxing, where will it take you?

Five runners up will each get:

• A £10 voucher for Floatworks, which can be used as part payment towards a floatation tank session. You'll be glad you did.

Restrictions:

Open to UK entrants only. Prize vouchers can be used by you or passed on to anyone as a gift. Prizes will be posted out as soon as we have the winner's details and should be with you by Christmas (though we can't guarantee this).

How to enter:

Simply leave a comment below saying how you like to relax.

Leave your email address when you enter - this will not be used for marketing purposes or passed on to any 3rd parties, it's simply so I can find out your address for your prize if you win.

Extra entries:

You can have an extra entry by liking this blog on Facebook, or if you already like us. State in your comment if you're claiming an extra entry.

Closing date:

This competition closes at midnight on 21st November 2011. Winners will be chosen at random and contacted as soon as possible after this.

Thank you very much to competition supporters Find Me a Gift, Floatworks and iExplore.

Let's get relaxed!

 

image credit: jerine

 

 

 

Also listed at: ThePrizeFinder - UK Competitions

Loquax Competitions

Fit for life, that's the theory

So Charlie Brooker has come out.

As a runner.

From the tone of his confession, I think he would have been less embarrassed to have come out as a horse murderer, sperm stealer or Tory politician.

It sounds like he used the Couch to 5K program (or a version of it) which is particularly impressive given that although this program starts off very gently, it then ramps up considerably at around week 4. At least that's the point at which I've always had to abandon it.

This year I've had to get my head round the fact that at 42 I'm often the oldest person in my gym classes by quite some way. The flip side to this is that when the 20-somethings peg out and I keep going, it feels like a mini-victory. I think this must be why so many people around my age take up running or cycling- it's a gym class of one, where you are always the youngest and fittest.

This weekend A Child spat me a gobbet of pre-teen angst: You care more about going to the gym than you do about me! because I had the audacity to go to a Sunday afternoon BodyCombat class. Right now I'm going to lots of gym classes because my annual gym challenge is in its final phase and I need to do about 30 more classes to hit my target of 150 for the year. Easier said than done. So why bother?

• I would like to be healthy and alive for as long as possible 
• The older I get, the more of a challenge that is
• I want to show my children that activity isn't somthing that stops when the bell rings at the end of P.E. class
• It keeps me calm and (slightly) less likely to shout at people
• I get my best ideas when I'm exercising. (Admittedly, going to the gym tends to squeeze out the time to execute these ideas, but that'll all change once my campaign to legalise 30 hour days gets going).

So all in all I think I go to the gym because I care about my children, not instead of. Now, how can I get them to believe that?

 image credit: kevin dooley

Breakfast at Tiffany's it ain't

It has been all change at Coaching Towers since Daughter of Mine started at Hogwarts.

The mornings are the worst. Where breakfast used to be our one family meal of the day, now she has to be at Platform 9 3/4 so early, she's off and out before most of the house has woken up.

I have been getting up early too, to keep her company, and make sure she remembers her owl. And provide breakfast - either toast, cereal, or a banana lobbed at her head as she's leaving the house on running late days.

I was thinking about this recently when I went along to an event hosted by Kellogg's to talk about breakfast clubs, and why children do and don't eat breakfast. The statistics would make you shudder.

Research by Kellogg's claims that a quarter of girls at secondary school skip breakfast - citing lack of time or being on a diet as the reason. They found that £650 million per year is being spent by children on food on the way to school, 25% of that on crisps, chocolate and even burgers.  What kind of diet is that?

Daughter of Mine reports children queueing at the local bakery to buy cookies as soon as it opens at 8am. Others are chugging chocolate oranges and Lucozade on the way to school. At the moment it's not my child doing that, but I guess if she did there's not a lot I could do about it. Except make sure she has breakfast at home, stress the importance of healthy choices and trust that she'll make good ones.

However, Kellogg's are attempting to do something about it by making a donation for every box of Cornflakes sold, with the aim of giving a million children a breakfast. If your local school runs a breakfast club (or would like to), they can apply to Kellogg's for a grant of up to £450. The idea is to encourage more breakfast clubs to give children an alternative to eating nothing, or just rubbish.

I used to be a member of the Kellogg's Family Health Panel, where we developed a toolkit to help children eat more healthily. I've seen at first hand how the company is committed to children's health, it's not just about flogging cereal. They say that this campaign is about "promoting the breakfast habit" as a good thing, rather than focusing on their brand in particular.

So that's what they're doing - what about the rest of us? Me, I'm getting up at 6.30am. Pass the Cornflakes.

image: Flickr, jcoterhals