Joanne the Coach

What Cybher taught me about blogging success

OK I know I promised you lots of hot blogging tips from Cybher, but as it turned out, it wasn't that sort of day for me.

Though  there were a few choice gems - turns out I have been getting it wrong in calling my competitions, er, competitions. Legally, a competition must include some degree of skill, and whilst it might be fun to see who's got the best reason for wanting a foot grater, you couldn't really call that a skill. So in the interests of keeping it legal, I'll be calling them giveaways from now on.

Rather than individual tips, I found myself thinking about the bigger picture, blog-wise.

Many sessions I attended talked of the importance of your blog having a clearly defined niche and a definite vision to pursue.

This is bad news for me, since I have no niche. My niche is me, and the things I am interested in. I'm a Muppet Me Party blogger in that respect, a focus group of one.

I was very struck this morning by a post from Mother's Always Right asking How do you define blogging success? because I realised that in 5 years of writing this blog I had never really stopped to think about that.

So I did, and this is what I came up with: For me, a successful blog is one that you want to keep on writing. And that's it.

All the other stuff is just sauce on the side.

Do you like your blog, this online space that grew out of your imagination? Are you proud of it and glad you took the time to make it? Does writing it make you smile, lift you up or help you feel satisfied that you've expressed your point of view? Does it make a positive difference to your world, and the world in general? Ultimately blogging success, unlike other flavours of success, is a journey rather than a destination. It doesn't matter if you're only making small ripples, because that's how big ripples start.

Obviously if you're blogging for business reasons or aiming to make blogging your full time job then your criteria for success will be very different, and much more clearly defined. But for the personal blogger who does it for a fun hobby, then this is what I think it boils down to. And I guess there is a business element to all of this because some people who read the blog go on to buy my book or become my coaching clients, and I would like that to go on happening. But it's not the driving force. If it didn't happen I would still write this blog.

I was with my daughter at Cybher, and you can see her take on the day in sketches over here. When we got home I said to her: It's not like I'm trying to push you into blogging as a thing to do. I'm trying to show you that people can create anything they want to if they pursue their ideas, and that the ideas that you have can become something amazing if you act on them.

I think she got it. That, to me is a successful day, and one worth blogging about.

BOOM BOOM BOOM and let me hear you say WAY-O*

*This post is titled in honour of Mammasaurus

 

I know it is an utter bore to hear endless chat about events you're not going to, so I'll make this brief. It's only one more sleep until Cybher and I have a date with my blogging buddy tonight to do our nails in preparation.

I have special golden nail polish, so if you're going to the event just look for GOLDFINGER (in glasses) and that will be me.

I'm going to make notes and post up anything I think will be useful for bloggers and online bods generally. My daughter is planning to sketch throughout the day and we will scan those in and post them up on Eljae.

If we've got any energy after the event, we're heading over to M&M World which is open until midnight in Leicester Square, and a place I find traumatically hideous. Feel free to join us.

Bring gin - you'll need it.

 

The Smiths - This time it's real

Remember that time a few weeks ago when, for five minutes, we thought The Smiths might reform? Of course it wasn't true.

 

But I'll tell you what is true - THIS

 

 

 

I don't normally post flyers, but will make an exception when it's THE FUCKING SMITHS.

But I don't need The Smiths to reform. I mean, they can if they like, but they don't need to on my account. I saw them live 3 times in the 1980s, and I've seen Morrissey live several more times since then.

The last time, the venue was full of men with sparse quiffs, Meat is Murder t shirts, denim jackets and 45 year old faces. The whole effect was insanely creepy. You can't recapture the past, though you can celebrate the best bits.

Here is one of my better bits:

It was taken when The Smiths played the Ulster Hall in Belfast in 1984. Not that many bands played Belfast in the 1980s (something to do with the bombs, I think), so this was HUGE. I had been queueing up all day and was right down the front, all squashed and sweaty. A bouncer kindly took the photo. Morrissey posed, in mock-paparazzi-avoidance pose. Johnny Marr played guitar.

Good times (apart from the bombs, of course).

 

The photography exhibition Manchester: So Much to Answer For by Kevin Cummins is on show at Proud Camden from 1st June-12th July 2012, entry is free. Tickets to the launch party on 31st May, with guest DJ Mike Joyce, are available for £10 plus booking fee from here.

What to wear to a blogger event

There is mucho flappage going on in blogland about what to wear to the upcoming blogger events including Cybher, this weekend's BlogCamp and BritMums Live.

Look, there's no need. Anything like this will be aceamundo:

• Bag on your head - For anonymous bloggers, though you might want to consider the health and safety aspects if it's only your children who are anonymous. They can have a plastic bucket to wear instead. Get a brand to sponsor it, it's a win-win solution.
• Nudist - For the daring amongst you. Some people need very little encouragement for this, and may be taking the pink Cybher theme a little too far. The main problem with this option is where do you put your dongle?
• Slogan T shirts -  You have many options here , but don't bother with the ones that say I'm Blogging This. Of course you're bloody blogging this, otherwise why else would you be there? There are a tidal wave of these type of tees, from My mom is blogging this for babies through to My wife is blogging this for VERY LUCKY MEN. Haven't yet seen My dog is blogging this, though I can think of at least one person who'd wear that.
• Special blogging pants - I think we'll all be wearing these. They're girls' pants, but with an "authentic fly". Me no understand. Must get out more. Or perhaps try a blogging thong, so every time you bend over you can do an impression of the Twitter fail whale.
• Slogan badges - For those who don't like T shirts. I applaud the Please Refer to My Blog badge for managing to be polite and really quite ill-mannered at the same time.

And don't forget your accessories. For the coffee break, there's this incredibly passive aggressive mug, or this one for the emotionally exhausted.

I'm going with my daughter to Cybher, in our alter egos as El and Jae from Eljae. So far the best we have come up with is a T shirt that says 'Follow' for me and 'No Follow' for her but that's kind of an obscure reference and carries with it the risk that Google might throw you out of the building. What to do?!

 

image credit: badges by Cathy S on Etsy

All the gossip from the Tots100 Xmas party

What happens in Butlins stays in Butlins

So said an off-the-leash parent blogger last night.

However, I already had the headline of this post in draft, so that wasn't an option. So, for those who couldn't make it, and anyone too hungover to remember, here are the choicest nuggets from Saturday's Tots100 Parent Blog Index Christmas party:

• There was a Christmas tree decorating competition. Turns out this can be a very competitive sport without much encouragement. I admitted that I let my children decorate ours and four people refused to talk to me for the rest of the night.
• Others channelled their anger at not winning the Christmas tree competition into expressive and terrifying dances.
• I won a hamper of goodies by groping two limes in the dark. I knew that skill would come in handy one day. Have you ever tried to fit a hamper in a Mini? It's challenging.
• The wine was flowing - literally.  There was a waterfall of red wine and you had to swim through it naked to replenish your glass. Nobody objected to this.
• In time honoured fashion, the people who appear most outgoing on their blogs were the ones who barely spoke above a whisper, and the people who like to blog about how shy they are were the first ones in the naked wine waterfall.
• For dinner, we were force-fed prunes. I have no idea why, but bloggers Prune Lovin' Mama and Permanently Backed Up were particularly appreciative.
• Sally Whittle - voluntarily, and sober - hugged a person. There were audible gasps.
• As a result of the party, a man called Kirk from Butlins has had to go in to the Witness Protection Programme.
• Ditto a waiter called Sam

Also, since so many bloggers were gathered together, it was decided to pass some blogging rules. These are:

• Christmas tree decorating to be entered for the Olympics
  Don't expect to win a medal, but if there is lime feeling as well then I am IN.
• Bloggers to add expressive and terrifying dancing to their list of chargeable services
  I think I could do quite well at this.
• All profile pictures to be rendered in pencil
  I argued that the current system, where we all use an over-lit picture that looks nothing like we did 10 years ago, is working perfectly, but I was overruled. So this is the future, bloggers,get used to it:

 

 

Happy nearly Christmas! Party on dudes!

 

 

 

The Tots100 Christmas party song

On Saturday, parent bloggers from the Tots100 index will gather at Butlins in Bognor Regis to party and celebrate Christmas. I am very excited to be attending and have composed a song in honour of the event.

 

To be sung to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town:

 

You better not tweet
You better not sigh
Charge up your iPhone
I'm telling you why

Tots100 is coming to town

I'm combing for nits
I'm checking it twice
Don't want to infest
The bloggers with lice

Tots100 is coming to town

Sally knows if there is wifi
She knows if there is cake
She knows if you've been trolling
So don't troll for goodness sake

So! Butlins better watch out
They better not cry
Get in extra stocks
Of cider with ice

Tots100 is coming to town

 

etc etc until carriages arrive, or the dodgems open

 

Christmas meerkat courtesy of Drayton Manor

That speedboat/Mumsnet mashup in full

As it turned out, my fashion fretting was unfounded, as I was given a delightful jacket to wear on the speedboat, which had the added bonus of making me look the size of a small house.

And I wore my lucky clogs, which I was also wearing when I met Take That, so they are the very epitome of good fortune. I wasn't taking any chances.

 

This gives you a phone's eye flavour of the trip:

 

Just after this was filmed, the speedboat revved up considerably and lurched about in the water in that Am I going to tip you out?...Maybe...Maybe not kind of way that rollercoasters do. Couldn't film that as I was too busy squealing like a piglet on piglet's pay day.

After that we retired to a posh hotel for lunch, during which TV sports and travel presenter Craig Doyle popped in to say hello. Nice bloke, doesn't mind posing for app-pics (as you can see here) and I was very taken by his justification for having 4 kids under 8: "Ach, sure, what else is there to do in life?". Quite.

Now although a bunch of bloggers had been invited on this outing, none of us really knew exactly why we were there. Turned out it was all about the launch of a cool-sounding new activity holiday website called iExplore. It's for people who like to have exciting new experiences on holiday. Like speedboating, for example. Ah, I see. It all makes sense now.

And continuing in the theme of I'm Not Sure Why I'm Here But I'll Give it a Go, later that night I tootled along to the Mumsnet Family Friendly Awards.

I briefly considered making a badge that said I look shit because I've been on a speedboat, what's your excuse? but decided against that on the grounds that it was incredibly aggressive and insulting. See, I do have a few social skills. Not many, but one or two.

However, I must admit that I was feeling rather deranged at this point in the day.

So when I arrived at the Mumsnet Awards and was greeted by a receiving line of Boden-clad Mumsnet ladies, I instantly hollered:

I'VE BEEN ON A SPEEDBOAT TODAY!

To which they graciously replied

You're joking

And I hollered back

I WISH I WAS!

Which was not true at all, I was very happy about having been on a speedboat. I don't know why I said that. Put it down to the derangement.

It gets worse.

My Twitter buddy @MmeLindor demanded news of the event, so I twitpic-ed her the important bits - the bar and the food.

Then it was in to the main hall for the awards ceremony and a very interesting discussion about family friendly working, led by Emily Maitlis from Newsnight.

This being a modern sort of event, tweets about it were also scrolling on a big screen. In general these tweets were rather bumlicky: @bigbrand Off to fab #Mumsnetawards, @megaPR So excited about amazing #Mumsnetawards sort of thing.

Until my tweets started popping up on screen

 

 

@joannemallon - The bar! #Mumsnetawards

 

@joannemallon  - The canapes! #Mumsnetawards

 

For shame! We were supposed to be bigging up the family friendly vibe, and all I was doing was bigging up the wine and crisps. And the tweetshow was on a loop, so I had the pleasure of  cringeing everytime they came round and got broadcast to 120 VIPs. Trust me to bring down the tone. I don't think I'll be invited back.

 Still, I survived the speedboat, that's the main thing.

A fashion dilemma

I have a sartorial dilemma regarding tomorrow. To be fair, I am sartorially challenged at the best of times as I don't exactly have the world's biggest fashion cojones.

My approach to what to wear is this: I wear pretty much the same stuff all year round. I'm usually either too cold or too hot, with about one afternoon in March when I get it just right. I know that sounds uncomfortable, but it's not really. I start with a T shirt and either add a cardigan or not depending on the season. Simple, see?

So what do I do in this situation: Tomorrow I have been invited on a blogger's outing which involves a James Bond-style trip on a speedboat down the Thames. I have never been to an event which started with safety training before so this should be good. Outfit wise, maybe something like this? 

 

Except I don't have a wetsuit.

Then there's lunch in a posh hotel. I don't think wetsuits are allowed.

Later in the day I'm going to the Mumsnet Family Friendly Awards. I'm taking a clue from the word "Awards" that maybe wetsuits wouldn't work here either. But what do I know? There will be a politician, canapes and a Twitter hash tag, so it's totes moderne. Maybe they'll all be in wetsuits, but claiming to be channelling Lady Gaga.

Added to that, Mash's baby has not yet arrived, but is due any day now. So tomorrow could easily involve a dive in the birthing pool at Eastbourne Hospital. I might need a wetsuit after all.

So far my plan is to start off wearing all my clothes and just divest layers as the day goes on. Apart from that, I'm all out of ideas. This leaving the house business is exhausting.

Happy CyberHalloween

Come to my house and I might give you sweets, but then I would have to delete you afterwards...

NB This is our actual home carved Doctor Who pumpkin and not just a picture I swiped off the internets. How many sleeps until the Christmas special again?

Are you going to BlogCamp Brighton?

On Friday, for the second time this year, I'm going to camp. This being Blog Camp, it's all about cakes and SEO rather than pitching a tent and weeing in bushes. Though maybe some weeing on the pier, since Blog Camp is coming to Brighton.

Like a lot of people who are fairly verbal online, I tend to clam up a bit when it comes to crowds of people I don't know. I have one and only technique when networking in a room full of strangers. I go up to the nearest person who's also on their own and looks unlikely to bite me, and say Hello, I don't know anyone here, can I talk to you?

The hard part is when people disappear into their own little worlds, face down in a smartphone for the whole event. Then they go home and write a blog post about how shy they felt, and how they didn't talk to anyone.  Sometimes the most gregarious and apparently confident blog persona turns out to be the quietest person in the room. So I guess if part of your reason for going to an event like this is to meet people, it's better not to hide in your iPhone.

If I take my phone out at an event, it generally isn't because I have an urgent need to check my emails or tweets. It's because I don't know anyone, am panicking slightly and need a prop to distract me. So I will attempt not to do that on Friday. If you see me doing that, you'll know that I'm feeling lonely in the crowd, and will be very grateful if you come over and say Hello, I don't know anyone here, can I talk to you?

There is a list of BlogCamp Brighton participants here, but that is absolutely no use in telling me who the trouble makers are. So, if you're going - leave a comment and a link to your blog, and rank yourself for cheekinesss, maximum score five stars. I am a three star - can be fairly cheeky when required, but not always.