Joanne Mallon's Opposable Thumbs

Sonic Boom

The past is catching up with me. That last post has unleashed a torrent of time tapping on my shoulder. How else can we explain a day out devoted to Sonic the Hedgehog?

Back in the 1990s when I was at Liverpool University I shared a house for a year with the sister and girlfriend of the bass player from a band called The Boo Radleys (are you following this? Keep up, it's not that hard).

When said bass player would go on tour, he would leave his Sega Mega Drive at our house for safekeeping.

When the sister and the girlfriend (two separate people! It was not THAT rock 'n roll a household) had gone to bed, I would have a go on the Sega Mega Drive.

And thus I spent many a happy midnight hour in the company of Sonic the Hedgehog, until the band got back off tour and I got shoved off the controller.

 

Now The Boo Radleys have gone to the great Indie Chart in the sky, but Sonic the Hedgehog lives on in the shape of games, merchandise, even bedding. And last Saturday we were invited to check it out, as Sonic hit Mercedes Benz World in Surrey.

The other thing that happened which totally weirded me out at this event was that my tiny baby child DROVE AN ACTUAL CAR.

OK, she's not that tiny but still, she's only 13. Not usually an age known for legal driving.

One thing I found out when writing my book about fear of driving is that older learner drivers can sometimes really struggle. So I intend to encourage both my children to learn to drive as soon as they're 17.

But that's 17, not 13.

What happened was - Mercedes Benz World offers a supervised driving experience for under 16s, and children over 150cm were allowed to take part.

So at 153cm my babychild was allowed behind the wheel. I now have video footage both of her as a newborn baby and drivng a car. HOW CAN THIS BE SO?

 

 

Modern life is moving too fast for me.

A night out on the peas

Most of the time being a self-emplyed freelancer rocks, but at this time of year it's seriously lacking in the fun factor. No last day of working for you, no office parties and if you dare to take a few days off then you simply won't get paid.

There don't even seem to be any official blogger Christmas parties this year , unlike last year when the Tots100 party was a right good laugh.

So I had an ulterior motive in turning up to a recent blogger event, because I fancied a Christmas party and it looked like this was the closest I'd get.

However, as often happens when I leave the house, things went a bit wrong.

The event was celebrating the launch of a new shower gel via the obvious vehicle of a cooking evening. I guess a mass-bathe in would've been unhygenic. I don't write about beauty products or food so was a bit surprised to be invited. Perhaps I had been asked because I am often in need of a wash. This I can't deny.

I decided to find my way there  in true geek stylie aided only by the map on my iPhone - bad move. It took me on a circuitous route round London which involved dark alleys and parks full of men staring into the middle distance.

By the time I arrived at shower gel party central, I was a nervous wreck. Then my name wasn't on the list, confirming what I'd suspected that the invitation was a mistake. On the plus side, I was a bit sweaty by then, so a good candidate for shower gel.

Star of the night was undoubtedly author and TV chef Anjum Anand. She was so incredibly calm and graceful as she cooked a meal for 10, filled us in on the thinking behind ayurveda and ignored the two photographers who kept sticking dirty great lenses at her, plus the dozen or so bloggers who were getting a bit giddy on the wine. 

She even let the blogging massive stick their tweeting claws in the food. What a hero! She's my new ladycrush.

 

Anjum Anand made us Pea Cake, which sounds horrific but was actually flippin' nice. And if you don't believe me that Pea Cake is A Thing, here's the recipe.

And what of the shower gel, I'm sure you're wondering? Well, it's a new Ayurvedic-inspired range called Palmolive Ayuritel and the bottle is shaped like a fish. Although it looks like a ladyproduct the scents are actually fairly unisex so all the family can use it.

 

 It's scented with stuff like ginger, mandarin and neem and called Joyous, Energy and Tranquility. (Why does nobody ever make a product called Meh? I would buy a crate). Palmolive Ayuritel is £2.99 from Sainsbobs. Meh would probably be pricier than that and do a worse job at keeping you clean.

After the event I headed off into the night and once again the Marauder's Map on my iPhone got me thoroughly lost, this time in the company of Dotty Dolly, a young blogger with fabulous swooshy hair who is cleary less in need of a wash than me.

So: iPhone adventures, pea cake and shower gel. Clearly a night out to remember.

I'm not leaving the house again for the rest of the year.

Fear, chaos, music, books

In a moment of serendipity that almost never happens, our house has birthed two new books in the same week.

The kids are feral, the washing mountain has its own postcode, but at least the bookshelf is looking nice and healthy.

I already told you about my book about fear of driving. It seems to be doing alright; every time I mention fear of driving on Twitter I'm met with blasts of I NEED THIS BOOK from all corners, which is gratifying.

And not content with already publishing a novel this year, Himself has gone back for seconds.  This is what happens when you work on books for years and years - occasionally they light up all at once.

 

KLF: Chaos Magic Music Money is the true, and thoroughly bonkers, story of the band who made a million quid, then burned it all on a fire and tried to delete themselves from musical history. Even if you haven't heard the KLF's music in years, I bet if you were around in the Nineties you remember this:

 

 

The KLF book is being promoted by an algorithmic radio station, broadcasting a mix of music samples and chunks of the book read out by a computer. I know! Publishing is crazy these days. Radio Eris is only broadcasting until midnight on Friday 7th December so catch it while you can. 

I, on the other hand, am doing an interview for a broadsheet newspaper. This makes me feel about 105. But in a good way.

Yo ho ho and a bucket of plasticine

The kids have been back at school for a week now but I am only just coming up for air. We celebrated the last day of the school holidays with a pirate themed trip to London. We've been invited by Aardman who are launching their film The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists on DVD.

First of all there was an impressive pirate-themed buffet. Here is the before and after of the cake (Look away if you are easily distressed by scenes of violence to perfectly good cake):

Then pirate lookalike Jim from Aardman taught us how to turn squishy strips of plasticine into Polly the Dodo, star of the film:

Then we watched the film, and I was surprised to find that Polly, whom I'd made a gawdawful mess of re-creating in plasticine, was actually the star of the show. The film also revealed the significance of a large joint of ham in the buffet. You live and learn.

The juniors and I enjoyed the film very much - it's a piratey, sciency historical romp with bouncy music. And at 84 minutes it's not too long, which I liked - too many kids' films don't know when to quit when they're ahead. But this is great fun, we all liked it a lot. Plus one of the pirates is voiced by Jeremy Piven AKA Ari Gold from Entourage who's always guaranteed aceness.

The Pirates! In an Adventure With Scientists is out this week on DVD and Blu Ray, priced from £9.99.

Includes lots of  bonus features

•        Filmmakers’ Commentary
•        Exclusive to DVD: MR. BOBO’S FLASH CARD CHALLENGE
•        “From Stop to Motion” featurette
•        “Creating the Bath Chase Sequence” featurette
•        DVD-ROM link to more fun online

 

No cake though. Alas, like dodos, the cake is extinct.

Tots100 Summer Party Linky

This Friday it's the Tots100 Summer party. And seeing as it's in Brighton and so are we, it would be rude not to pop along. Though the weather in Brighton's been soggier than a five hour nappy recently so let's hope the sun comes out by Friday.

The event involves a trip to the circus.

What could a bloggers' circus possibly involve? Throwing custard pies at the trolls/clowns perhaps? High wire SEO? Lion taming via pithy commenting? I guess we'll find out.

Anya over at Older Single Mum has started a linky so people going to the party can get to know each other, so this is my introduction.

All four of us are planning to go along, so this will be a rare chance to meet our 100% authentic blogging team.

Youngest family member is Mr Turtle from The Turtle of Happiness, Eldest child can be found at Eljae, Himself is at JMR Higgs (ask him to tell you about the time he got 60,000 hits on a single post, it's a killer) and then there's me, here.

And if you can't make it, I will report back with any gossip, or failing that, make some up. A good blogger never lets the facts get in the way of a good story, or at the very least a Silent Sunday pic.

See you Friday! Send in the clowns!

 

The Italian Job, Sussex style

 

So remember that bit at the end of The Italian Job, where the coach is teetering over the edge of a cliff, and Michael Caine says:

 

"Hang on a minute lads, I've got a great idea"

 

Well, now it's been reimagined as an art installation by Richard Wilson and it's currently teetering on the roof of the De la Warr Pavilion in Bexhill, East Sussex. We went to see at the weekend.

 

 

Part-funded by Eddie Izzard, it's swaying over the car park until 1 October 2012.

 

 

Try to pay it a visit if you're within shouting distance of Sussex. As free days out go, it's pretty amazing.

 

 

 

The #tippingpoint - A day of protest for Syria

 

What can you say about Syria?

What can you say about the sadistic massacre of tiny children?

I want to tell you about some ways you can add your voice:

 

Firstly, write a blog post expressing your views and join virtual arms by adding it to the day of protest link up here. I know it's hard to find the words but your words have power so use it.

 

Secondly, sign the Save the Children petition over here. Here's some more information about what they're doing to help the children of Syria:

 

 

 

Thirdly, Share news of the protest event happening in London outside the Syrian embassy next week - details from the organiser are here. Can you make it to the protest? Can you tell people about it, via Facebook, Twitter or your blog?

After that, go and hug your babies and hope that evil like this never looks on them, and if it did, somebody would speak up for them and be the voice that was cruelly ripped away.

 

 

 

What Cybher taught me about blogging success

OK I know I promised you lots of hot blogging tips from Cybher, but as it turned out, it wasn't that sort of day for me.

Though  there were a few choice gems - turns out I have been getting it wrong in calling my competitions, er, competitions. Legally, a competition must include some degree of skill, and whilst it might be fun to see who's got the best reason for wanting a foot grater, you couldn't really call that a skill. So in the interests of keeping it legal, I'll be calling them giveaways from now on.

Rather than individual tips, I found myself thinking about the bigger picture, blog-wise.

Many sessions I attended talked of the importance of your blog having a clearly defined niche and a definite vision to pursue.

This is bad news for me, since I have no niche. My niche is me, and the things I am interested in. I'm a Muppet Me Party blogger in that respect, a focus group of one.

I was very struck this morning by a post from Mother's Always Right asking How do you define blogging success? because I realised that in 5 years of writing this blog I had never really stopped to think about that.

So I did, and this is what I came up with: For me, a successful blog is one that you want to keep on writing. And that's it.

All the other stuff is just sauce on the side.

Do you like your blog, this online space that grew out of your imagination? Are you proud of it and glad you took the time to make it? Does writing it make you smile, lift you up or help you feel satisfied that you've expressed your point of view? Does it make a positive difference to your world, and the world in general? Ultimately blogging success, unlike other flavours of success, is a journey rather than a destination. It doesn't matter if you're only making small ripples, because that's how big ripples start.

Obviously if you're blogging for business reasons or aiming to make blogging your full time job then your criteria for success will be very different, and much more clearly defined. But for the personal blogger who does it for a fun hobby, then this is what I think it boils down to. And I guess there is a business element to all of this because some people who read the blog go on to buy my book or become my coaching clients, and I would like that to go on happening. But it's not the driving force. If it didn't happen I would still write this blog.

I was with my daughter at Cybher, and you can see her take on the day in sketches over here. When we got home I said to her: It's not like I'm trying to push you into blogging as a thing to do. I'm trying to show you that people can create anything they want to if they pursue their ideas, and that the ideas that you have can become something amazing if you act on them.

I think she got it. That, to me is a successful day, and one worth blogging about.

BOOM BOOM BOOM and let me hear you say WAY-O*

*This post is titled in honour of Mammasaurus

 

I know it is an utter bore to hear endless chat about events you're not going to, so I'll make this brief. It's only one more sleep until Cybher and I have a date with my blogging buddy tonight to do our nails in preparation.

I have special golden nail polish, so if you're going to the event just look for GOLDFINGER (in glasses) and that will be me.

I'm going to make notes and post up anything I think will be useful for bloggers and online bods generally. My daughter is planning to sketch throughout the day and we will scan those in and post them up on Eljae.

If we've got any energy after the event, we're heading over to M&M World which is open until midnight in Leicester Square, and a place I find traumatically hideous. Feel free to join us.

Bring gin - you'll need it.

 

The Smiths - This time it's real

Remember that time a few weeks ago when, for five minutes, we thought The Smiths might reform? Of course it wasn't true.

 

But I'll tell you what is true - THIS

 

 

 

I don't normally post flyers, but will make an exception when it's THE FUCKING SMITHS.

But I don't need The Smiths to reform. I mean, they can if they like, but they don't need to on my account. I saw them live 3 times in the 1980s, and I've seen Morrissey live several more times since then.

The last time, the venue was full of men with sparse quiffs, Meat is Murder t shirts, denim jackets and 45 year old faces. The whole effect was insanely creepy. You can't recapture the past, though you can celebrate the best bits.

Here is one of my better bits:

It was taken when The Smiths played the Ulster Hall in Belfast in 1984. Not that many bands played Belfast in the 1980s (something to do with the bombs, I think), so this was HUGE. I had been queueing up all day and was right down the front, all squashed and sweaty. A bouncer kindly took the photo. Morrissey posed, in mock-paparazzi-avoidance pose. Johnny Marr played guitar.

Good times (apart from the bombs, of course).

 

The photography exhibition Manchester: So Much to Answer For by Kevin Cummins is on show at Proud Camden from 1st June-12th July 2012, entry is free. Tickets to the launch party on 31st May, with guest DJ Mike Joyce, are available for £10 plus booking fee from here.