Joanne the Coach

Live blog: At home with the kids during the teachers' strike

It's 30th November. Today I was invited to a press event in a wine emporium, and the launch of Mario Kart 7. But I am going to neither, as the teachers are on strike and both children are at home.  Thanks a lot Teach. Next time you fancy quaffing booze and racing dinosaurs, I'll be straight round to bugger up your plans as well.

This is the live blog of our day, to be updated as the day progresses:

6:45am - Normally this is when I get up to haul the Daughter off to Hogwarts, so I was looking forward to a day off from that. However, Himself started snoring at 6:45 instead, so that put paid to that. The day has not started well.

8:30am - Coffee

9:16am - Daughter has yet to get out of bed, so I go in for a chat. She has important information to impart:

    Did you know that eagles like to fart?

Jesus, what are they teaching these kids?

    Where did you get your information?

    From my head.

OK then. That explains a lot.

10am - More coffee. Conversation continues at a similarly erudite level:

    Mum, can you fart the tune of Jingle Bells?

Why would I do that?

    Because it would be very cool

Clearly the definition of what is cool has changed in recent times

10:10am - Mum, have you tried to fart the tune of Jingle Bells? You look like you might be

10:11am - I inform everyone within earshot that breaking wind is off the menu as a topic of conversation for today. Dennis the Cat looks unimpressed.

12 noon - With children going increasingly feral and a gale blowing outside, we repair to the Wii for a spot of Zumba. Get briefly distracted by the promise of Cumbria-style exercise. What could that possibly be? Lake District aerobics? Hearty walking on the spot?

Turns out to be Cumbia, a style of music poular in Latin America. So that's geography, PE and music covered all in one.

12:10 - Turns out we're incorporating ICT as well, as the children secretly film me doing Zumba, via the iPad. I burn the evidence and PE class resumes as they flee to their bedrooms at top speed whilst I channel my inner Debating Society by shouting at them.

2pm - Not getting much work done today. This freelance journalism lark is on the wane anyway. Thinking about getting into advertising copywriting. Here's my first attempt, for Bigwoods store:

 

3.30pm - Politics class. I ask the children what they think of the teachers' strike:

    We love it! They should have one every day!

Happy CyberHalloween

Come to my house and I might give you sweets, but then I would have to delete you afterwards...

NB This is our actual home carved Doctor Who pumpkin and not just a picture I swiped off the internets. How many sleeps until the Christmas special again?

How do you smuggle a custard pie into parliament?

Something has been bugging me for a few days.

Last year I went to an event at the Houses of Parliament, and the security was incredibly tight - you would let people into your knickers easier than these guys allow you over the threshold of the Palace of Westminster.

So how did that guy manage to smuggle in a flan to fling at Rupert Murdoch?

These are the theories I've come up with so far:

• It was a dehydrated pie and he spend two hours spitting on it to restore it to full size
• He's really Derren Brown and can do whatever he bloody well likes
• Wear pie as a wig. Perhaps this explains why Boris Johnson looks so untroubled by the chaos around him - he's prepared for any assailants by the custard pie he keeps on his head at all times.
• Ensure pie's already in the room, as part of the refreshments. Doable with help, but then again you're a bit stuffed if somebody eats it during the teabreak.
• Blame it on the Tories. This explanation worked well in the Eighties and is still going strong.

What's your theory?

News of the World - The Movie

So it turns out they're making a film about the News International shenanigans. Great cast signed up already:     

What did you do this weekend Mummy?

I know it's a bit childish, but I find it a real pisser when PRs send me pictures of what looks like a really fun event that I wasn't invited to. The delete button is my only way of reclaiming the power.

Still, I'm sure we all wonder what the celebs have been up to this weekend, and whether it was any more interesting than the picking dead skin from between your toes which the rest of us have been occupied by.

Sophie Ellis Bextor took her mum Janet Ellis to Disneyland Paris. The only place my kids have taken me lately is the bottom of the laundry bag and back again. This looks more fun.

 

Also invited was Tina O'Brien. Tina, like meself, went to the launch of Peppa Pig World last weekend, though she never mentioned that she was on a two theme parks in a week schedule. What a cow. Maybe she was trying to keep schtum about this balancing act...

 

Also at DLP for the launch of the Magical Moments Festival were a tattooed man and his dad:

 

You know, those teacups are quite spacious, Blue men Simon Webbe and Duncan James, you don't need to sit so close together. Scooch up a bit, or get a room.

Actually, the place to be this weekend might have been the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. Can you tell what it is yet?

 

Why, it's Snoop Dogg. I'm guessing he didn't turn up like that. Bet he had fun explaining the stains on that boiler suit when he dropped his laundry off at his mum's.

Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards are on Sunday 3rd April from 4pm and Friday 8th April from 5pm. Magical Moments Festival starts at Disneyland Paris on 6th April. So now we're invited to the party. Might have to pass, I think I'm washing my hair (or my feet).

The last word in stupid Royal Wedding merchandise*

When it comes to Royal Wedding merchandise, we've seen the bad and we've seen the ugly, but what about the good? Is there such a thing as good Royal Wedding merchandise, or is that as ridiculous a notion as a believeable story in the Daily Mail?

At last I have found a piece of Royal Wedding merchandise that I like. Friends, I give you -

 

The Royal Wedding meerkats:

 

 

One of a kind from Nifty Knits, yours for £53. Things like this earn their place in the world. Unlike the Royal Family, about whom I am a bit meh.

*when I say 'the last word', that doesn't mean that the subject is closed for ever. If there is one thing life has taught me, it's that you never know when something unexpectedly stupid is just around the corner.

 

Stupid Royal Wedding stuff for kids of all ages

Everyone seemed to have a different favourite from the previous list of stupid Royal Wedding stuff. And the stuff, it just keeps coming, and it keeps getting stupider:

 

Are you worried that your little brat darling will yelp during the wedding ceremony? These specially produced Royal Wedding dummies (that's soothers for American readers) will keep them quiet for - oooh, 10 seconds, easy. Also makes a good gift for people called Prince, of whom I can think of at least one.

 

If that has put you off having children, there are Royal Wedding condoms available for all your contraceptive needs as well. Probably not for use with a new partner, unless you have a wildly unfunny seduction technique and aren't too bothered about getting some anyway.

 

And if you wanna look purdy on wedding day, then for heaven's sake don't put these  monstrosities on your claws. Thankfully these Royal Wedding nail decals are only available in selected gift shops. I hear Camilla has put in a bulk order.

 

If the Royal Wedding has driven you to drink, there's - of course- a souvenir beer to help you out.

But if a nice cup of tea is more your bag, plus you like to play 'Drown the Royals' during your tea break, these Royal family tea bags are for you. Or if you're being hardcore RW about it, there are Kate 'n William only teabags available here. 

I like the way Kate and William look so full of joy, youth and enthusiasm as their nether regions are immersed in boiling hot liquid. Would that we all could greet such a situation with that much verve. I guess that's why they're royal and we're not.

 

I felt a little ill when I spotted these Kate and William gloves - the makers optimistically say they're "not so tacky" - au contraire, I bet I could round up a good phalanx of hoodlums who would disagee with you on that one.

However, as this film proves, it is possible to marry wool and the Royal Wedding to charming effect. If only the real event was as fun as the knitted version:

 

 

Related posts: Top 5 stupid Royal Wedding merchandise and The last word in stupid Royal Wedding merchandise

Top 5 stupid Royal Wedding merchandise

It has been a vintage week for stupid Royal Wedding press releases. My favourites included the release for cleaning products, claiming that Wills and Kate might need to tidy up before the Queen pops round ("A RIGHT ROYAL CLEAN UP"). And then there was the message promoting a range of health clobber that Kate may (and equally may not) choose to carry in her handbag. So it wasn't stuff she'd used or recommended or been pictured with. It was just...stuff.

So with royal wedding stupidity season well under way, let's take a look at some of the contenders for stupidest merchandise:

(Yes I know that there are Royal Wedding sick bags, but frankly that is just too obvious)

1. A stupid plate bearing the legend "It Should Have Been Me"
A gift for someone you hate and want to mock. £17 from John Lewis, who have "more than 10 in stock". I'll bet they do..

 

2. Knit Your Own Royal Wedding book
Blame the crafters for this one. Actually I do like the little corgis. This book manages to be both stupid and appealing at the same time. Plus it will keep the knitters off the streets as they try to finish the whole crew in time for *boak* the big day.

 

3. William and Kate death masks
Well, they look like death to me. I find these, with their blank, gouged out eyes, very sinister. But at the same time I'm seized with the compulsion to start a Twitter campaign for everyone in the crowd who turns out to see the Royal Wedding to wear these masks.
Points off to the seller for use of appalling pun: Mask-arade. Thank you but no.

 

4. William and Kate Dress Up Dolly book
The perfect gift for the child of parents you wish to subtly annoy (because they annoy you) without being out and out insulting. Apparently you can use the outfits in this book to "enjoy dressing the pair for every social occasion", so presumably there is a press out gimp suit and mask at the back. You might want to remove that page before you give it to a child.

 

5. A patronising, humour-free commemorative coaster
'Keep Calm, Get Rich and Marry a Prince" - yes, because that's what all little girls aspire to, isn't it? Buy this  for any tea-drinking feminists you want to see EXPLODE with fury. The makers say it's satire, which is a type of insult, and you can certainly see that someone's being insulted by the presence of the likes of this in the world.

 

Special mention to Etsy
Items which didn't make the top 5 but are worthy of a special mention include: this frumpalicious Kate doll and her tramp-like companion; this wackadoodledoo offering (possibly a brooch, or an incitement to treason); these blank-faced icons (the resemblance is uncanny).

and finally, as a bonus, I give you the ultimate in stupid Royal Wedding Mugs. You might think that a mug is a pretty normal kind of souvenir, but look closely and you will see that the producers have done a brilliant job at stupidifying this one. Look closely and tell me - what's wrong with this picture?

 **this just in**

A stupid Royal Wedding fridge Seriously, does somebody get paid to think these things up?

And if you liked that lot, you'll love:

Stupid Royal Wedding stuff for kids of all ages

The Royal Wedding meerkats

 

How do we talk to our kids about the disaster in Japan?

I watched the news on Friday with my son who is seven.

 

Children have a tendency to internalise bad news and relate it back to their own lives. So the questions came - Could that happen where we live? Has there ever been an earthquake in the UK? Is anybody we know out there? And the biggie - Why did it happen?

Some parents I know don't let their children watch the news precisely in order to shield them from the stress of events like this. But whilst we might want our children to grow up in a 100% safe and happy world, sadly, life's not like that.

And this particular disaster is not over yet, as it looks like there may be more earthquakes and more destruction to come. At the moment the news coverage is particularly large scale - huge aerial shots of a churned up sea and land. Over the next few days and weeks, that coverage is bound to become more personal as the human stories of survival, death and peril start to emerge. I think that children in particular will find that most affecting. The big picture is harder to take in when you're a small child, but we can all relate to people like us who have lost everything. So I think our children's questions about the why, when and how of this disaster are only going to increase.

If your child is prone to worry and is asking you questions about what's happening, try to answer their questions directly, but without over-explaining. Look out for physical signs of worry like bed-wetting, mood swings or clinginess. Encourage creative play like drawing, Play Doh or Lego to give them a chance to express their feelings. This is a big scary thing that's happened, and is still happening, so even if you try to shield them from it, don't be surprised if your children feel scared. When something like this happens, which was nobody's fault, I think we all want to try and find something practical to do, so channel their energy into something positive like charity fundraising or campaigning.

Here are some ways to do that:

You can donate to the Red Cross

ShelterBox is an international disaster relief charity that gives shelter to people affected by disaster. Their Young ShelterBox site is particularly good at explaining to young people what they do.

I know many writers read this blog, so I wanted to alert you to Authors for Japan which is being organised by Keris Stainton

 

What are your children saying about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan?

 

Baby Lager Lout's Revenge

Remember when I posted about children's behaviour in pubs, the issue that divides the women from the ill-mannered louts?

Well, the topic is back in the news and is creating controversy over on The Guardian's blog.  Check out the reaction to this post by Will Beckett about baby lager louts. I posted a comment which mentioned the fact that I've been taking my children to the pub since they were very young (one week old to be precise).  In exchange for sharing this charming vignette of life chez Joanne, I've been called a lazy parent, selfish and generally responsible for all of the world's woes.  Sorry about that.

If, by any chance, you disagree that taking your child to the pub is an affront to decent society, join me in the First Official Take Your Child To The Pub Weekend. 

Like all my wheezes, the rules are simple:

Pub Rules for Children

• Take ‘em young, so they get used to how to behave in public spaces.
• Arrive and leave early.  No child is cute at 9pm in a pub.  Even 8pm is pushing it, so make sure you have skedaddled by then.  Your child is unlikely to want to stay out for as long as you do, so look on any visit over an hour as a bonus.
• If Junior kicks off, remove him.  Don’t try and deal with it in situ.  Noise always carries more than you think.
• No running around. The pub is like the swimming pool, in that walking, not running, is the order of the day.
• Come prepared with toys and other distractions.  Some pubs provide colouring books, but don’t rely on it.
• Suitable pub games include:  sketching the bar staff; reading; Lego; any electronic gizmo.
• Unsuitable pub games include:  Hide and Seek; Tag; Football

So, will you be joining us in celebrating FOTYCTTPW?