I'm pleased to say that one of my favourite bloggers, The Kraken Wakes has blown in for a guest post. A sweary, ranty tornado of a guest post. Those are the sort I like.
Now, if you've not met The Kraken before then you will have to brace yourself because she's not for the fainthearted. Gloriously ferocious rants, fuelled by anger and fantastic writing, is the best way I can put it.
Shall I tone it down a bit for your blog? asked The Kraken
Not a bit of it, said I.
What I didn't expect was that The Kraken would have anything in common with Cherie Blair. But whilst Ms Blair has been denouncing yummy mummies, The Kraken is denouncing the label itself and arguing that it does none of us any favours at all.
Take it away, Kraken...
(BTW this may be unsuitable if you're a child, easily offended or unacquainted with the business end of birthing )
"Bugger me. Just when mothering couldn’t be a bigger pisser than it already is, along comes the festering, pressure-dripping, guilt-inducing label of ’yummy mummy’.
Aye, it’s no longer enough to be a mother. Now, you have to be a mother from an Estee Lauder ad and ideally with no prior knowledge of fanny farts or suppurating pregnancy piles.
What a vile fucking concept this yummy mummydom is. It's all utter cobblers, of course, and just another way of women bashing the shit out of each other rather than getting with the endless to-do list that they're already wading on with.
Why the frig does anyone want to add the burden of being yummy to the already crippling responsibility of being a mummy?
Look at it this way: we, mothers, have already grown another human being, developed size 24 arses, had our vaginas poked/ stretched/ torn, shat on the delivery table with the effort of it all, leaked milk from our tits, fed another human from said tits, gone awol to the tune of PND, survived on two hours sleep a night, wept with exhaustion over such basic tasks as getting dressed, swapped sex for Benjamin fucking Bunny and blown cosmic sized holes in our careers.
And now you want us to look pretty too?
This yummy mummy malarchy is yet another unachievable myth, of course. Worse, it makes women feel like dribbling failures if their school run shoes have anything less than three inch heels.
The thing is, I see women who have achieved this myth as the biggest victims of all. For fuck's sake, how much effort must it take? And why don't they have anything better to do with their time?
The likes of Victoria Beckham are praised for their perfect mummydom but all I see is a woman so cowed by this mythical image that she's not allowed to leave the house unless she's catwalk ready.
Who, I ask you, wants a life like that? It's amazing that VB has time to take a shit. Most mothers don't and that's when they haven't seen the business end of a mascara wand for three months. How you do it while matching your spring wardrobe with your new Laboutins is beyond me.
Funny thing is, I have a picture of myself and my kid, Kraken Junior, by my bed and the frame has the words Yummy Mummy written on it. It was given to me when my fanny stitches still meant that I had to pee with my head lower than my pelvis just to stop the stinging (you work it out).
I now revel in how the frame and picture are poles apart. It's my daily act of seething rebellion. My forcibly smiling face is hiding the rapid onset of severe PND and what would become visiting rights to the local psychiatric unit. That's about as yummy as I managed to get. And that's about as yummy as I'd like to stay, if it's all the same to you."
You can sample more like this at The Kraken Wakes, or compare suppurating piles with The Kraken on Twitter. She's lovely really.
Hear hear!
Absolutely hilarious, and I agree with every single bit! I don't understand either where they have the time to look more yummy than mummy! And the most annoying bit is, people will come to us and say: "See? If they can be yummy, so can you!" ARGHHH!!!
It is your choice to be a yummy mummy, but do not start patronising me with that term!
Posted by: AngelaC | June 20, 2012 at 11:04 PM
I still sit on my hands to pee. The pelvic tilt is just right and I've never managed to get out of the habit. I should have had less children - I'd probably have had more chance!
Posted by: Nickie | June 20, 2012 at 11:14 PM
Bloody well said that woman. I couldn't agree more - the celebrity culture of mothers appearing in bikinis five minutes post partum is perverse and cruel.
Posted by: Ellen Arnison | June 21, 2012 at 09:22 AM
This made me laugh out loud!! brilliant post!
Posted by: Little Lilypad Co | June 21, 2012 at 09:40 AM
brilliant! I hate the term "yummy mummy" just as much as the term "mummy blogger"
Posted by: Super Amazing Mum | June 21, 2012 at 09:45 AM
Brilliant, brilliant post!
Posted by: Sarah Miles | June 21, 2012 at 09:45 AM
Thanks for your ace comments guys!
Obviously I am taking all the credit for this.
Posted by: Joanne Mallon | June 21, 2012 at 09:55 AM
LOVE it. I am, quite literally, crying laughing. And wincing at the same time. The lady makes a very good point.
Posted by: Molly | June 21, 2012 at 09:58 AM
Liking this lady a lot! Thanks for bringing her to my attention Joanne...!
Posted by: Hollie Smith | June 21, 2012 at 10:23 AM
Ha! Just went to follow her and realised it's Cath and I already do...! Does she not blog often? I seem to have missed her until now...
Posted by: Hollie Smith | June 21, 2012 at 10:24 AM
Oooh, you bloody lovely women! Thank you so much for your kind remarks. There's much more parental ranting on www.thekrakenwakes.blogspot.com if you've not had your fill of f-bombs just yet. It's what gets me out of bed in the mornings (well, that and a deranged four year old trying to pick my nose with her toes).
Posted by: Cath (The Kraken) | June 21, 2012 at 12:03 PM
Love this post. Fantastic. With a 5 year old who points out every mole, spot and belly wobble and a 1 year old who tries to stick his head in the loo as you are peeing I am a million miles away from yummy and to be fair, I am beyond caring.
Posted by: snafflesmummmy | June 25, 2012 at 01:27 PM
Fabulous comments all round, and I can pass on the message from Cath/The Kraken that she found the response so encouraging that she is spreading her rants even further and this week has made it to The Vagenda.
Posted by: Joanne Mallon | July 06, 2012 at 11:47 AM
Good food for thought here. Thank you very much for the extensive explanation. Very nicely written. Really makes think.
Friend link: http://www.cheapshoe-shop.com
Posted by: Fay | July 20, 2012 at 07:47 AM