Should you tell someone their child is a little brat?

I've been asked this question a number of times since my book came out, from:
My friend is struggling with her toddler, do you think she would appreciate it if I gave her your book?
to the more direct:
My friend's child is a little horror - I think she needs your book
to the absolutely no question about it:
My friend's child is a little brat! Can I use the book to tell her without getting murdered myself?

Deep down I think all parents know that our children have their less than appealing moments.

Some parents won't admit it - but that doesn't mean they'll welcome it if you point it out. It's quite taboo in our society to criticise someone else's child.

The title of my book - Toddlers: An Instruction Manual - is obviously meant to be a jokey response to the exasperated parent's moan- I wish toddlers came with an instruction manual. So yes I think you could give it to someone without causing offence.

This is why we didn't call it Your Child's A Brat, Mine's An Angel or even Don't You Wish Your Child Was Perfect Like Mine? *files away for future sequels*

The trouble with judging how other people parent is that it's easy to make assumptions when you don't know the full story. You may look from outside and think you can see how someone else is getting it wrong, but how does that help them?

So support, don't judge. Meet up away from the kids. If your approaches to parenting really are miles apart then you'll have to either avoid the subject or accept that the friendship may be on the way out anyway.

And if you really feel that your relationship can withstand you telling it like it is, think carefully about how you phrase it. There's a world of difference between
Your child is such a brat!
and the alternative 
I was reading the other day how children feel much more secure with clear boundaries, what do you think?
The first will feel like the verbal equivalent of stabbing your friend in the guts. The second might open the way to some new thinking.

So would you tell someone if you thought their child was a right little horror?

 

image credit: HA! Designs - Artbyheather

Comments

[Anon]

It's more, 'I wanna tell you that your parenting sucks', than 'your child is a brat' for me! But no I can't do so, it's family and I was told to keep my gob shut. I'll just have to let my child be told off for theirs mistake because theirs is an angel and youngest (excluding babies for some reason) and it's the oldest fault for the angel to cause havoc *humprhhh*

[Joanne Mallon]

I think the danger is that if you say something then you are insulting both the parent and the child. But isn't it weird the way some people truly don't see that their child is not an angel, and that they're contributing to this?

[bottleinfrontofme]

I don't like people being judgmental about behaviours because they tend to compare what their idea of normal behaviour is. Having a child with asd, I'm used to having people looking at us like our child is a monster. I would have been the same myself years ago because of lack of knowledge and I always find myself trying to explain his condition so as to inform. So I would just point out that some behaviours are communicators and not always just the child being naughty. Good post :-)

[Joanne Mallon]

Thank you bottle! I guess we only ever see a tiny snapshot of how other children/parents behave, and can never really know the full picture.